Thursday, February 28, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Lawmakers in Scotland are being asked to push for a posthumous pardon of everyone found guilty under ancient witchcraft laws, including a spiritualist who was convicted during World War II. It makes sense to do that, yes, because nowadays witches are pop stars and models and therapists and also they sometimes serve coffee in lesbian coffee houses while wearing organic kaftans and stuff. That’s all fine. I want this to progress though, because eventually the Catholic Church will raise its essentially comatose head and bellow something inane out in protest of the propagation of dark magic in society and I just love those moments. I just love it when the Church gets all pepped up on self righteous delusion and political aspiration. It’s like a good old fashioned car chase scene or a visit to the amusement park freak show but without having to pay the stupid prices or eat the hog anus meat and plastic cheese. It is for that reason that I love that Catholic Church. All I want is for them to ban me. Oh why won’t they notice me? WHY? [source]

Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have found that Rats twitch their whiskers about 10 times faster than anyone realized, allowing them to 'see' extraordinary detail in the dark plus it might help explain how the rodents find their way home or back to a particularly savoury garbage pile and how they manage to be the embodiment of all things demonic and why I start to feel nauseous and completely petrified whenever I see one. It is hands down one of my greatest, top 3 fears to be eaten alive by rats. I. Would. Die. Literally. Now that I know they have these magical, super charged whiskers that help them sense fear and love instantly, I feel more panicked than ever before and am probably going to vomit in terror relentlessly for the rest of the day. There. IT’s started. Plus, I just know there’s a freaking rat somewhere near me now. They leave this stench of mean fear and booze. [source]

Right. Hands down: most insane story like…ever. An Indian woman, in India, went to use the toilet on a train and when did so she quickly gave birth to a little girl and the child fell through the mothering toilet and onto the god damned tracks. I mean, seriously! So, the woman fainted. Someone figured out that she had and they stopped the train, went back, found the kid on the tracks (unharmed) and now everyone is completely fine. I’m dumbfounded. Firstly, how do you give birth like that? Doesn’t it take several hours? Maybe she was drinking espresso. Sure, ok, I’ll buy that. BUT – how does a newborn baby fall out the bottom of a train and not die!? It doesn’t die because that baby is a freaking superhero kid and it’s going to grow up and save people and catch criminals and stuff. I mean the pediatrician the kid was taken to even agrees with me: “She is a fighter. In just 12 hours after the unthinkable accident, she was coming out of the accident quite well," paediatrician Dr Raj Kumar told the Times of India.” Yep: screams super hero kid birth. The only thing I don’t get is why the Indian train toilet system just dumps human waste straight onto the tracks. I mean, hello…that’s essentially barbaric. What’s even more amazing about it is that there are no German shit addicts lying on the tracks in India at all times waiting for the golden deposit. I guess because it’s a gamble as to when it would occur and it’s got to be hot lying out there in the India sun on a train track. Yeah, that’s understandable. All in all this incredible story has now been worked out. Done and done. [source]

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