Friday, February 22, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Selfish commuters who refuse to give up their seats to pregnant women and the elderly are the new targets of a Beijing government campaign to "civilise" residents ahead of this year's Olympics and at this point I think we’ll all agree, it’s like a repetitive sit com. Oh, who am I kidding. I love it. What I’m really hoping for is that there’ll be all these freaking insane rules in China and then all of a sudden everyone just breaks all of them all at once and the Chinese government has a big meltdown. It would cry and stuff and sit there with its head in its hands and say, “I just wanted to be popular…I just wanted everyone to like me.” Looking up with tears running down its face and lines of mascara ruining its party makeup. Then it would get stuck into cans of frosting late at night. Just to bring it back though: The 22nd of each month in China has been designated "Seat-Giving Day" to encourage people to give up their seats to those in greater need, who also include the disabled and children, the China Daily reported Friday, citing city officials. China is, apart from being the biggest insecure freaked out Diva of nations, also a mindless bureaucrat’s dream come true. They have made 1.2 million freaking fliers to promote “Seat Giving Day” and you just KNOW that an entire governmental department worked on that with every single step of the way having to be signed off on by 80 people. Each one of them waiting just that little bit longer just so everyone remembers they exist. I can’t wait for the Olympics in Beijing. Sounds like a freaking enchanting holiday. [source]

Seaside amusement arcades in the UK could be wiped out within a year, the slot machine industry will tell the British government on Friday. Over the past 12 months they have been hit by new betting and smoking laws while torrential downpours left coastal resorts deserted for much of the summer. This might seem like a tragedy and all, and there’s certainly some kind of historical value in these amusement parks but I would actually like to say that I have never once found them anything but horrifying. Whether it’s the weird, incest riddled, deformed freaks who run it, the horrendously overpriced and oversized toys that are always stuffed with Styrofoam balls rather than whatever …goose feathers or the crippling food made of hog anus and nitrates and plastic – I’ve never EVER had fun at those places. They’re going? Great. Meanwhile, speaking of shitty food, there’s the smell of some shitty SHITTY food coming from somewhere. It smells like plastic cheese and sadness. Dumb straight men who work in offices that make small talk like to eat food that tastes like crap and is saturated in cheap salty grease. That’s what I’ve learned. Food where the smell makes you ill. Like, they’ll get Sbarro pizza or something. I mean, why not just drink cancer? [source]

In what has got to be the most natural collaborative cross promotional effort maybe ever, Kool Aid has teamed up with Reebok to create shoes that are not only nauseating to look at, they smell like sugary, synthetic fruit flavoured drink. It has never ceased to amaze me that parents give their kids Kool Aid. Kind of like crap people buying shitty greasy food at carnivals. Why induce ADHD like that? Anyway, so these are shoes that literally smell like the drink and I suppose that makes sense. I mean, when I wear shoes and I sit down on say, the subway or something, the first thing I’m longing for is the smell of candy and the first place I look for it is the ground. My nose is, by the sheer brilliance of the design of the human body, really close TO my feet so it’s all very natural. So far, all I smell when smelling the ground on the subway is you know..I don’t know,…mediocrity or something but NOW. NOW we have Kool Aid smelling shoes. What are these people on? LSD? Actually, you know what? Just take the acid and keep coming up with this shit. It’s fine. I’m desperate for a belt that contains nicotine or a moisturizer that offers me a wider selection of metaphor than I can immediately come up with. Sonically. [source]

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