Monday, February 04, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

47 per cent of the 3000 English people who took a survey conducted by UKTV Gold thought the 12th Century English King Richard the Lionheart was a myth and 23 per cent thought World War II Prime Minister Winston Churchill was made up. Conversely, a majority of them thought that Sherlock Holms was real. That’s all very well but you also have to consider that for a TV station to conduct a survey, there’s bound to be some kind of sneakiness involved. That was my responsible voice talking. Realistically, is this entirely surprising? I mean, the English have consistently created alternate realities within which to live because living in Britain is essentially excruciating. I mean, the cheese is ok and I had some good Indian food there but that’s about it. [source]

Oh look, another dumb ass burglar story. Malaysian police have arrested a thief who fell asleep after snacking on cookies in the home of his victim and was discovered curled up in bed clutching a stolen purse, a newspaper said on Monday. I’m not sure what needs to be said here that hasn’t been said before about dumb ass burglars who go to someone’s house to rob them and then end up playing with the dog, sitting down and writing a letter, falling asleep. I mean how do you fall asleep while robbing someone. Isn’t it sort of like being a thriller movie but in real life; “any minute the fam could come home…oh look, they’re pulling into the driveway and you’re upstairs!….quick, how do you get out in time…wait, there’s an open window. Ah, how will it end. Ad break. Fuck you TV network. Oh, ok, I’ll keep watching. I wish I’d TIVOed this so I could fast forward the ads.” How can you fall asleep during that? Oh, yeah, heroin, that’s probably how. Heroin or Britney Spears. [source]

PETA called Monday for China to treat rats with kindness and respect, as millions across the nation begin to celebrate the coming Year of the Rat and is anyone shocked? Of course PETA did, PETA is the petulant celebubrat of the activist group world. China eats its rats because there are billions of them and they had some flood at some point so the carcasses were piled up and sent to restaurants. Is that cruel? I mean, so far it’s just so completely insane that I can’t really tell who is in the right here. We’re talking about rats. I wonder what China will now do? Judging by their recent behavior and because the rest of the world is watching, they’ll probably declare one special rat a member of the politburo and then make it illegal to do anything but smile at rats in public. Plus, listening to a rat’s problems will become compulsory. The smile may never cease or suddenly members of your family start disappearing. In some way, they will say that smiling at rats will help tourism which it probably will. “Come to the nation of rat smilers!” the posters will say and I am ALREADY thinking about when I can get time off. [source]

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