TMZ reports that despite rumours that she’s made out with Elisha Cuthbert recently Paris Hilton is not a lesbian. What a soul shattering travesty. Paris Hilton would do well to be a lesbian actually. What with her rapidly declining social relevance, she needs to broaden her instant impact to stay even vaguely in whatever game it is that she’s in and I suspect lesbianism would be the way for her to do that. Either lesbianism or trapeze based clownism with a top note of smurf or clown porn. Yes, if Paris Hilton embarked on an interesting and yet unexpected foray into lesbian clown porn she would be back on top. Clown porn is mostly sexualised childhood horror so it’s hard to see someone dressed like a clown having sex on film and not think they have a whole lot going on internally. As in, intellectually.
In short, Post jail and post Larry King, Paris Hilton is not really so interesting. Ipso facto Paris Hilton should just embrace lesbianity and a future in clown porn. Yes, that’ll do. [source]