Monday, May 11, 2009

Yet another mysterious beast has washed up on the North Fork of Long Island and for some reason I am less hysterical than I have been in the past when it comes to these weird hybrid beast carcasses. To be honest, the most interesting part about the video above is the fact that there’s some Long Island guy talking in a mobster accent providing running commentary in the background. Those mobster guys are so inherently likable and threatening; what a trooper.

Still, yes, there is some kind of weird human-molared carcass with white skin and tufts of black hair sprouting out from it and it doesn’t immediately look like any other type of animal so, naturally, it shall now become the physical embodiment of all irrational local fear of the immortals and, for me specifically, of my own of fundamental worldly irrelevance.

I suspect that what’s really behind this mysterious beast is just some kind of real life example of the Island of Doctor Moreau but with a tinge more military thrown in. That’s probably all it is. Chemical and biological experiments being conducted by the military near New York City and whenever they change course they just toss the mistake into the ocean and try and get on with it without dwelling too much on the abominations they keep creating. I can live with that. It’s sort of like freelance writing for gay magazines when you think about it.

Speaking of monsters returning to our collective consciousness as a metaphor, Joss Stone on The Tudors looks remarkably like Laura Bush or at least the Bush twin with blond hair who looks more like her father. It’s something in the eyes and jaw and teeth. What a surprise to be thinking about anyone in the Bush family right now. I wasn’t expecting that at all although, Laura Bush did leave such a legacy of medicated ambivalence and repressed rage that she should be a gay icon by now. Actually, George W will have to die first and she’ll need to stop wearing brown.

As Anne of Cleves, Joss Stone is clinging to a German accent and while it’s difficult to stomach that, her heavily rehearsed and strained German really is nothing compared to Jonathan Rhys Myers’ ham acting. Mind you, it is the best he’s ever done and he’s starting to learn how to deliver lines where it doesn’t always look like he’s about to pass a chair so at least we have some progress. Regardless, I, for one, am totally hooked on the show and watch each episode at least twice.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

I knew I was right about Obama and the hamburger. I knew it. I am so fucking right I could puke my god damned reluctant whore guts right out of my “unimpressed-with-the-burger” face.

Yesterday, media like the Christian Science Monitor and Fox’s Sean Hannity – jumped on the story that Obama went to get burgers in Arlington, Virginia for themselves and the press corp. Sean Hannity, like clockwork, went nuts using Obama’s interest in mustard which happened to be Grey Poupon as a way of proving he is elitist Liberal and therefore out of touch and , one would expect, ultimately plotting in a secret and conniving way to fuck the poor out of happiness just like Scrooge or the Grinch or that Monopoly man. Except with an east coast degree (and that makes it worse). The basis for the Grey Poupon-means-you’re-an-elitist argument is that in the late 80s Grey Poupon had a series of ads that showed parodies of rich people eating it. Sean Hannity, on TV, said, "I hope you enjoyed that fancy burger, Mr. President."

I wrote about Obama’s use of a hamburger as propaganda MONTHS ago when I saw it as the first chink in his armor. He completely disappointed me by ordering a burger on Air Force One when he could have had basically anything at all. Then he dragged out the ordering and it was labored and forced and clearly pre-meditated. I was disappointed that he didn’t stick to his dietary guns and continue being the messiah by ordering a macrobiotically balanced meal of tofu, sunlight, wheat grass and birchtwigs (actually, writing that sounds annoyingly left wing even for me – let’s reign it in and say he should have ordered a lean chicken salad with almonds and a light Asian dressing - no oil.)

Burgers may be a safe culinary bet for most Americans but they are uninteresting and every time I’m in a French bistro with an American and they order the burger it secretly makes me think less of them. That is what happened when I saw Obama order the burger. I felt like I was at a dinner with just another unadventurous person.

President Obama has to do things like order a burger in front of the press corp because many Americans demand to be coddled and led around like moronic narcissist sheep when it comes to their leaders. So this is really just maintenance. It’s the culinary equivalent to kissing babies in shopping malls but better because it feels less Catholic.

I mean, let’s face it; Obama probably did suffer mightily through that completely unnatural photo op. I posted the photo just above because even though I'm unsure if it was taken in Arlington it stil shows the pain in his face at having to suffer through crap like this. He probably sat there grinning and bearing what was probably a nauseatingly tasty but extraordinarily toxic, heart bursting death trap of a meal while Biden rambled on about how he already knew what burger he wanted the minute he walked through the door and didn’t even need to talk to his PR staff about what to order for maximum political impact. What an onslaught of bullshit he has to put up with.

So, I’m not saying I agree with Sean Hannity when he says that Obama is elitist because he ordered spicy mustard on a medium-well done burger – that’s going too far. I’m saying I agree with Sean Hannity that Obama and Biden were using the ordering of a burger to show that they’re just like everyone else. I don’t care how much of a zeitgeist the president is, he’s absolutely guilty of actively seeking situations that help prove he’s just like everyone else because he essentially isn't.

The thing is, it’s also impossible for a right winger like Hannity to win the burger argument on the basis of mustard right now because the right wing has no credibility. When the right wing do this kind of thing they just look desperate. What we see clearly illustrated here is that in America today ordering a burger in full public view makes political sense but if you argue with the burger by citing mustard it’s absurd.

That’s right – this entire thing is about the political impact of a presidential hamburger. This is America. [source] [source]