The Reluctant Whore

Here’s a video from a documentary about Air Force One, which is technically any flight the president is on. From the very beginning, all I was thinking about was, “what kind of food do they serve on Air Force One” and that was all I could think about. It’s actually all I ever think about when it comes to airline travel. I don’t think about the journey, the sleeping tablets, the fact that the different cabins are a clear nod to classism unless I am in business class because I have relatives who work for United. Nope, I only think about food.

That’s why I was initially delighted to see Obama order food and to really explain what he was getting. One thing that is for sure though: the American always orders the burger. They really always do. No matter where you are, they always order the burger. And then they make a massive production out of smearing some weird mixture of mustard and ketchup on the bun and they drip it all over my white bed spread and I have to contain my rage because that stain will never come out and it was always a mistake to attempt to smear your ketchup all over the bun and not really watch what you’re doing. A mistake I would never have made because “the burger” is the least interesting item on the menu most of the time.

Following on from that, I realised I have actually never felt more uncomfortable watching Barack Obama move and speak. I always felt he had a strangely fake, affected way of operating but in this film his fake interest and goodwill is unnerving. Also, the way he drags out giving his dinner order is really difficult for me to deal with. I mean, just say what you want. Don’t you have other things to think about? God. Plus, what ELSE was on the menu. I bet they had a quality steak frites or a duck confit. Actually, you know they had a Maryland crab cake with chipotle sauce or a quesadilla with shrimp in it. American menus are pretty standard. It’s often the amount and type of cheese that fluctuates. Also, what actually constitutes cheese in America tends to fluctuate as well. With very little concern to anyone but me.

Also, here are two other things. Yesterday I was running late and as I concocted an excuse about why I was late and rehearsed saying it so it sounded sincere while waiting on the platform at Union Square, a man in hand cuffs jumped down onto the track and literally ran into the tunnel (away from the incoming train). Moments later, police officers ran up and the trains were held up. My reaction was one of total relief. I mean, you can’t BUY a more plausible excuse than an escaped criminal held up the train and one really did.

Then, later on, as I was buying my steaming oatmeal breakfast on a blisteringly cold and inhuman morning in New York City, a woman walked buy me on her cell phone and said “Yeah, we bought enough sperm for three kids.” There is no idle chatter in New York. It’s all about getting things done.