Monday, December 17, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

American and Indonesian scientists who have been exploring in the Foja Mountains of Papua New Guinea have discovered a new breed of giant rat – 5 times the size of a typical city rat. Can I just ask which city are we talking about here? The rats in New York City are the size of chimps and they’re golden in color. They race at you and try to get you to write about things like chefs who are also DJs and TV actors who no one has ever heard about while smiling relentlessly and plugging onward despite the relentless chasm in their souls. Oh, I’m kidding, that’s a publicist and I actually do really like many many publicists. Many many …of them are …nice. Meanwhile, right now, thanks to this story, all I feel is crippling panic at the thought of aggressive, squealing, hungry, brown toothed giant rats with thick bristly tails running around my feet and up my legs. The weird part about this story is that there’s a picture of some guy holding the freaking thing. HOLDING IT. He’s picked it up and it’s lying in his lap. If I were to do that I would either psychologically vanish to another place and lose all contact with the present or I would be frozen in that moment like that woman who saw her entire family shot by the Nazis at the age of 6 and remained a child her entire life. Yeah, maybe I need to get a grip. The rat that that image has the eyes of a mole and it looks really placid. It knows nothing of the screaming, violent need of its New York relatives and maybe would be nice. Plus, good news re. discovering a new species. Maybe someday someone will finally find that damned lost city of gold and that golden condor that flies like a plane that was built by the Aztecs. Someday. [source]

18 months later, Isabelle Dinoire, the 38 year old French woman whose face was mauled by her loving dog and who then underwear a full face transplant has healed to the extent that she can smile again. Wasn’t this the same woman who got in trouble for smoking after her new face was sewn on and had just started to heal? I seem to remember that. She was this pioneer who had her face replaced and then she freaking lit up a cigarette and started to flood her head with carbon monoxide. Good old French smokers. I wonder if she insisted on not admitting her husband was having an affair and she kept it all inside so she could stay thin. Anyway, apparently everything looks great, apparently, and she’s out on the town again. No news about whether she’s still smoking. [source]

A 100 year old Japanese man named Masaru Hori has been arrested after he drove his car into an umbrella held by a child. "Driving helps me from going senile because it keeps me alert," police in Sendai, northern Japan, quoted Hori, as saying. It’s interesting that this would make the news at the moment, seeing as statistics last week show that crimes committed by the elderly in Japan have increased triple fold over the past ten years. What Japan needs to do is to mobilize the frantic, unfocused energy of their elderly citizens and market a new form of weapon or libido enhancer. I seriously don’t know how that could feasibly happen but then it’s not my responsibility to explain to the Japanese what to do with their badly behaved elderly citizens, I merely point out what is going on and make unusable comments about the situation. [source]

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