The Reluctant Whore

Week #23 in Review

Just hours before Paris Hilton took herself off to jail, she sat in the audience of the MTV Movie Awards and calculatedly bore the brunt of a joke told by the host, Sarah Silverman, then she got in an SUV and turned herself into the jail in which she was meant to serve her sentence. With no Paris on the outside, the New York Post used a timely story of Paris’ lesser known brother, Barron being mugged in New York City, to segue again into speculation about what she was going to do while in jail but before the media had even felt the vague gap in subject matter for more than a day or two, she was let out – 20 days early – so that she could sit out the rest of her sentence under house arrest. She immediately ordered cupcakes. The reason for this sudden change in sentencing was officially cited as “health related”. County Superviser Mike Antovich ordered a court session to find out why this had happened and Paris was to attend court via telephone. Judge Sauer, the presiding judge on the case, however, demanded she attend court in person and sent a squad car to get her. She was handcuffed, put in a car, taken down to the courtroom where her original sentence of 45 days in jail was reinstated. She was dragged screaming from the courtroom.

Photos of Maggie Gyllenhall was photographed breast feeding her child in New York City prompting discussion about how sexual those images are allowed to be for people attracted to women, David Hasselhoff, upon exiting the court room from his divorce trial was greeted by cameras and so, in the absence of permission to talk about the case he immediately promoted his new television and book projects and it was revealed that, contrary to what she has been telling people, Dina Lohan was never a Radio City Music Hall Rockette and that she is vying for her own television show. No one was shocked at either piece of news.

Photos of Linday Lohan and Vanessa Minillo playing with knives in a quasi-sexual manner were published and consequently Western culture stopped to be shocked and appalled, ABC fired Isaiah Washington from “Grey’s Anatomy” for what they called “a pattern of problematic behavior”, Rob Lowe was playing golf in Iowa, he hit the ball and it flew into the air hitting a Goldfinch, the Iowa state bird mid-flight, and last thing Friday afternoon, just when it was assumed that no one was looking, General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the primary military advisor to the President, left office. George Bush fell ill at the G8 summit and was seen drinking non-alcoholic beer.

A new world record was set in the field of hot dog eating when Joey Chestnut of Arizona ate 59 hot dogs in one sitting beating the previous record by 6 hot dogs, an 81 year old woman was admitted to hospital with animal bites leaving behind 120 rats among other animals, and a survey of British women revealed that more than half of them prefer chocolate to sex.

Over in China over a million Chinese high school students went to sit their exams to compete for a half a million fewer positions in Chinese universities than there are students, Chinese parents were found to be feeding their kids amphetamines to get them to work harder, on the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, an ad commemorating the mothers of the victims was accidentally placed in the China Evening news prompting panicked avoidance of discussion among all involved organizations and a few firings, a man who had been suffering from stomach pains started eating live rats and frogs and her reported the pain had gone away and villagers living near the Third Vegetable Exposition were not only ordered to attend the event but they were also officially ordered to clap enthusiastically to ensure a good impression be made on visiting businessmen.

Senators in Italy demanded that ice cream be added to the Senate cafeteria’s menu, a tsunami warning alarm accidentally went off in Indonesia causing initial widespread panic and then annoyance to the point that locals angrily dismantled that alarm system and Judge Ron L Pearson, the man who is suing a dry cleaners for 64 million dollars because they lost his pants lowered the amount he is asking for to 54 million dollars.

Dutch students figured out a way of making powdered alcohol so that when you add water it becomes a sweet lime flavored drink and were delighted because it is technically considered legal to sell to people under the legal drinking age in Holland, Spencer Tunick – again - photographed a lot of people naked in public; this time it was in Amsterdam and the event made the news and a Pakistani elephant named Suzi was angrily beating her keeper whenever meals were late.

In Vermont, the trial of a woman who made faces at a dog was abandoned when it was considered that usually the plaintiff can describe what it was like to be victimized but in this case it was a dog so that would be impossible, a man in a wheelchair somehow got his chair lodged into the front of a massive truck and was driven along the highway until the police pulled the truck driver over and a man in Poland who had been in a coma for 19 years finally woke up and said that present day Poland is prettier than what it was during Communism. After 19 years in a coma, he is active again.

“I wake up at 7am and I watch TV,” he said smiling slightly.