Sunday, June 24, 2007

Week # 25 in Review

Paris Hilton’s plight once again dominated the public consciousness with the startling news from her parents, having just emerged from the visitation room in the jail within which she is being held, that Paris is cold and could potentially have a broken arm. They observed that she keeps rubbing it – apparently a sign that it is broken. A letter, hand written by Paris to a fan from jail, was leaked to the internet and it showed performative evidence of her gratitude and also showed that she signs her name with hearts as a dot on the letter “I”. Later in the week Paris spoke to Ryan Seacrest over the phone, live on his radio show and went to great pains to express her gratitude for the support she receives. It was rumoured that NBC were offering to pay Paris one million dollars to sit down for an interview with her upon her release and consequently Barbara Walters was furious. While all this was going on in the media sphere, one of Paris’ neighbours spoke to the press about how bad a pet owner Paris is, explaining that she had witnessed the death of a kitten because of Paris’ negligence.

Tom Cruise’s Christ status got him commissioned to fly to France and perform a wedding ceremony for James Packer and speculation about whether or not Katie Holmes was pregnant again emerged. In response to the speculation, Cruise’s people issued a statement saying that this was not the case as Cruise was gearing up to work on his next film.

After a little hiatus, more than likely induced by the slap down she got from Joe Francis, Candy
Spelling wrote a letter of advice to Britney Spears via to which Lindsay Lohan’s supposed lesbian lover, DJ Samantha Ronson replied via her own myspace blog. Ronson’s letter tore into the entire idea of an open letter to anyone and also sort of insulted Texans; a move that was immediately rectified by an over done apology.

With all the major pop tarts in prison or rehab, Posh Spice decided to release a dance track with her singing the words. Very little information regarding her actual human side was evident at all but her pronunciation was noticeably clear.

Avril Lavigne took time out from her illustriously organic music career to make the statement that she’s interested in doing short films; she’s already done a couple of small parts.

The record for the oldest man in the world was broken when a man turned 111 years old, people in Tijuana set about breaking the world record for the largest Caesar salad; their plans to build a 3 tonne salad would break the world record by .5 tonnes, to raise money for charity, runner Dean Karnazes set about breaking the world record for hours spent running on a treadmill and a lake in Chile mysteriously disappeared.

In Asia, license plates in China are now about the same cost as a small car, local courts in China ruled that a group of capitalists, who had previously attempting to sell land on the moon, were not allowed to sell bags of air that had allegedly been collected from the World Cup stadiums and Chinese police are now officially not allowed to wear jewelry of any kind, color their hair or wear nail polish.
A traditional folk healer in Malaysia who dances around naked was reported to have made local conservative Muslim folk uncomfortable with her ritual dance, and the Indian state of Bihar had its hands full dealing with an influx of rats that were gnawing holes in cans of beer and getting drunk.

In Europe, the Vatican, ever inclined toward charming whimsy, released its latest list of rules pertaining to driving a car; the first of which is the extravagantly clear “Thou shall not consider a car an object of personal glorification or use it as a place of sin”, indulging his own voyeuristic fantasies, an Italian mayor announced his plan to lessen men’s use of prostitutes by having them photographed while in the act and then publishing the images.

In the United States, an inmate on Death Row announced that he is holding a competition to establish what his last words will be prior to scheduled execution, paintings composed by dogs were selling in Maryland for up to and including $350, a house in Pennsylvania was broken into by a thief who, after breaking a door down and leaving a knife stabbing dramatically out of the fridge, only stole a bowl of salad and a man in Massachusetts was arrested for allegedly stealing bones from coffins in order to make an ashtray with them, his girlfriend also complained that she was convinced he killed their dog.

In Australasia, two New Zealand parents petitioned to name their as yet unborn son “4real” but their request was met with some reluctance on behalf of the New Zealand governmental organization that registers new born babies.

“For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a baby book and…there’s no direct link between the meaning and the name,” Pat Wheaton, the father said. “With this name, everyone knows what it means.”
They sure do.

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