The Reluctant Whore

This is the text of the Week In Review segment I presented on D List Radio on October 28, 20o6


Maybe it was something in the air to do with gay marriage becoming almost legal in New Jersey or maybe a global crimson wave hit the planet this week because divas were going wild en masse and nothing it seems, could stop them.
Naomi Campbell upped the ante this week when she was arrested for assault for the 9th time in 8 years. That takes the average to just over one per year. If this trend continues, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that eventually the apocalypse will be upon us.
Spokesmodel for Bolivian Marching Powder Kate Moss revealed this week that she has made the informed decision to have crack head Pete Doherty’s baby which more or less means she decided to render herself useless in every way imaginable.
Madonna this week went on Oprah to talk about the ups and downs of buying a child from the nation of Malawi but in news perhaps more eye opening than all of these put together, Ad Age Magazine voted Vogue Editor Anna Wintour it’s Magazine Editor of the year and it was assumed this caused her to smile.
But you were more than likely familiar with at least one of these stories this week so here are some of the things that happened just under the radar in this, the 44th week of 2006
It’s a well known fact that without vodka, living in Russia would be, at least at various points in history, basically unnecessary or possible, which is why it’s not surprising that this week a museum opened in Russia commemorating the national drink and cultural anaesthetic.
Dutch troops around the world have no nationally sponsored stress relievers such as vodka or vicadin like normal armies around the world which is more than likely why A top female politician ín Holland this week called for Dutch prostitutes to be sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.
A collective sigh must have been heard throughout South East England this week when a man affectionately known as the Train Defecator was caught. He’d been randomly but quite literally giving people the shits in train carriages since August by taking a dump in train carriages so people would find them later.
And when the topic turns to shitting in public there’s always one country that immediately comes to mind, the charming nation of Germany who this week raised collective eyebrows when CNN reported that Germany had managed to shock and disgust even itself when pictures of German soliders skull fucking corpses in the Middle East surfaced this week. Apart from the obvious horror of this story, I think this is notable because for Germans to shock Germany takes some fucking work.
And while the Germans were busy being horrified by the quirky head games of their soldiers, infamous German corpse artist (again, where else would a corpse artist live except in Germany?) Gunther von Hagens who aimed to make necrophilia into art came under fire this week - for using corpses to recreate a scene from the new James Bond film.
And speaking of inexplicable European behaviour, humans weren’t the only ones feeling warped this week. An Eastern White Pelican actually caused real emotions to be felt by the English in St James Park this week when it trapped a pidgeon in its beak and twenty minutes later swallowed it whole. Meanwhile, in another part of town a Staffordshire terrier went to piss on an old Pylon this week, hit an electrical outlet, caught on fire and accidentally shorted out 148 homes for 5 hours.

In other hysterically funny news involving comic tragedy that’s funny because we don’t know the people involved, a woman in Pasadena California was hit by a falling shopping trolley this week when she went to raise the flag outside her work. The flag had been replaced by a shopping trolley. All I can say is, Öf course it was – why didn’t she look up to check as anyone else would have?

A 17-year-old Dutch junior kickboxing fighter Pamela Vugts who didn't know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby daughter after a she competed in a kickboxing tournament this week and as she did that, in China a man reportedly walked 27 steps in a pair of iron shoes weighing more than a quarter of a tonne.

In England, an elderly woman accidentally sent a cat in the post this week after it snuck inside the parcel she was sending to her nephew, a Romanian man was in trouble with police when it was discovered this week that he’d locked his allegedly unfaithful 70 year old wife in a chicken coop and a study conducted by the British sleep council released this week found that, on average, women are grumpier than men in the morning.

23 bulgarian teenaged girls got into an all out bloodbath this week involving brass knuckles and bike chains as they skipped school to fight over who would have the right to date one hot young man at their school.

And Finally - Smiling is not just over rated, it’s actually a hinderance to fun – at least that’s what the Edwards family from England must have believed when they abandoned plans for a holiday to Cyrpus this week when it was discovered that the smiling photos in their passports rendered them all invalid. With nothing to do, they had to cancel their 5000 dollar holiday. What’s the lesson there? Never smile, obviously.