Monday, October 09, 2006

If you were plugged into the mainstream ether this week you might have read scientific research that showed Paris Hilton is indisputably overexposed as a celebrity just as we all suspected and that she got punched in the face by Shanna Moakler. You probably also read that Madonna did NOT actually adopt a kid from the small African nation of Malawi. Thinking people would have noticed that Whitney Houston kicked her husband to the curb, that Tara Reid finally got some work done to get rid of the liposuction scars that make her stomach look like she’s housing scrap metal in her intestines and that Mel Gibson, apparently fell off the wagon in Austin, Texas.
And, really, who could have missed the golden moments when Republican congressman Mark Foley came out as a pedophile, wait, alcoholic, wait, homosexual, wait, according to Fox News he was a Democrat and according to other right wing writers he was THE VICTIM OF A DEMOCRAT Smear campaign and never even wrote those things to that 16 year old page and WAIT – where the fuck are we?
Sure – you heard all these stories. We ALL heard them…but here are the stories you probably missed during this, the 41st week of 2006.
Ever the nation that tries new and important toys, the Ukraine is set to become a whole lot more musical as it was announced this week that A musical condom designed to play louder and faster as lovers reach a climax is about to go on sale.
Things weren’t so musical down the front of Iranian pants this week though as the Islamic Revolution supreme leader of Iran, Sayyid Ali Khameini busied himself churning out mean sexual panic when he wrote on his website about how cursed you’ll be if you crank one off during Ramadan. To find out how to feel bad for blowing a hot load or to simply ask your own question about how to avoid damnation by being afraid of sex just go to No kidding.
Threats of eternal damnation weren’t just flying out of good old Iran this week either, the always above board Russian Government announced this week through a cheerful leaflet that anyone involved in taking or offering bribes would burn in the firey pits of hell. But, if you think about it, if anyone is going to know what happens after you take a bribe it’s going to be the Russian Government so maybe Russians’d be smart in lending their leaders unquestionable trust.
But as it happens, the Russians were actually busy multi-tasking this week because while they kept busy judging everyone about unethical business practices they were also busy uncovering a secret mile long pipeline that was pumping vodka out of Russia and into Latvia. Which more or less means that somewhere in Latvia they LITERALLY have Russian vodka on tap.

In transsexual news, a man in Florida went to court this week to argue that he shouldn’t have to pay his wife alimony any more seeing his wife is now legally a man and a woman in England was kicked off her all-female darts team when her team mates found out she was born a man.

But breast implants certainly weren’t a hinderance for 24 year old Elena Marinova in Bulgaria this week when she crashed her car but police say she was saved from death when her sized 40DD silicone breasts absorbed most of the shock.

Two men locked themselves in a cage within the lion enclosure at the Qingdao Wildlife Park, China this week planning not to speak for ten days and only to eat raw meat and drink water like the lions. They are hoping to raise public awareness of the pain of isolation.

And as Chinese people no doubt became more aware of that pain of isolation, they celebrated their right to commit horrific animal abuse as the Animal Olympics in China featured a segment where kangaroos were forced to box with humans.

And in news about things going into mouths whether it’s a good idea or not, the good folks at Six Flags Amusement Park in Kentucky this week offered anyone free entry into the park if they would eat a live cockroach and a Croatian woman was struck in the mouth by lightning this week as she brushed her teeth. Electricity literally shot into her mouth and out of her ass moments later.

And speaking of disrupted mouths, a 200-year-old pair of French false teeth went on display for the first time to mark World Smile Day, which was yesterday. They belonged to the archbishop of Narbonne who died in 1806. So let’s all now smile retroactively for World Smile Day by reflecting on the week and thinking about how many ways Mark Foley has hurt the Republican party so far or if you don’t care about that maybe you’d like to think about how hilarious it would be if to jack off during Ramadan and shoot a hate load of cum all over a mean, invalid Iranian leader’s face while still going to heaven.
I know I’m smiling.

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