Monday, April 21, 2008

The Daily Mail is reporting that Prince William, the less hot of the two sons of Princess Diana, decided to fly an RAF helicopter over to his girlfriend, Kate Middleton’s family home and land it in their back yard to impress her.

Wouldn’t the fact that he’s a prince and the heir to the British throne be enough to impress a common girl like Kate Middleton? Not if you’re William I guess. I mean, his younger brother Harry is way hotter and he’s already been made a military hero by secretly going to Iraq and then being openly upset at being found there by the American media who reported it. He legitimately came across as annoyed he couldn't just be a regular guy.

Harry is smokin' hot, he's got a sense of duty about him, and he was photographed shirtless in the desert. William is balding, pale and even though he was cute about 8 years ago he’s jumped the shark. Plus, he’s never really done anything that impressive in a militaristic sense. Well, except this drastically daring English garden landing.

Plus, my theory is that he’s just like Henry VIII. He’s this big dumbass, macho, psychopath with an insane ego and he’s really working hard to woo Kate Middleton simply because she’s holding out – just like Ann Boleyn. Oh my GOD, the spirit of Ann Boleyn is everywhere and it’s not because I’m obsessed!

What’s the bet, Kate Middleton’s father was standing there strictly watching how Kate conducted herself during the landing making sure the entire family looked their best. Just like in the Tudors! When you become royalty EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. She’d better not miscarry when they get married or William will start sleeping around (which he’ll do anyway) and then eventually behead her and her entire family. It’s a family tradition!

Meanwhile, as you’d expect, the political side of this is that everyone is upset at William for wasting taxpayers’ money seeing as his big show off moment cost about 30,000 UK pounds which is roughly 70 billion US dollars. The RAF are refusing to disclose exactly how much more it costs taxpayers to have William trained while he continues his social life unhindered claiming that it would cost too much in man power to calculate that. That response is almost as good as Reagan claiming ketchup was a vegetable.

Of COURSE the royal family costs too much. There’s more or less no point to them. I mean, ok, they contribute to the national identity of the UK which is admittedly pretty important but that's it. Nothing else.

However, in light of thi gross mis-spending of public funds, it seems only fair that William step aside from the throne and allow Harry to succeed. Prior to that, Harry should balance out his military experience by doing Armani underwear campaign. That could be his other professional skill. Other kings have been all sorts of thing. Like, one king was a freaking clock maker for God's sake. Harry should endeavour to perfect underwear modeling. Then he could be king and the people would adore him more.

William should be locked in a castle far away where he only wears black gowns. A few people will still consider him the rightful King of England but Harry can just have them beheaded or publicly disemboweled. That's how it will probably play out anyway.


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