Monday, April 14, 2008

The New York Post is reporting that a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe that is still classified by the FBI was just sold for 1.5 million dollars to a New York businessman who has decided to keep it in a vault and never let anyone see it. The man said he was afraid that Monroe would end up like Paris Hilton if the tape got out.

Firstly, How do you get to buy a still classified FBI file? How does that work?

Secondly, how could a tape that is probably really shaky and black and white and runs at an oddly faster speed than natural movement involving a woman who has been dead for years possibly turn her into Paris Hilton, a pop cultural entity who exists entirely because she’s not dead. There’s little more TO Paris Hilton than the fact that she’s alive and stands there.

The fact that she’s famous has very little to do with her actual personality and ability at this point.

Still, maybe there would be some truth to the idea that a sex tape involving Marilyn Monroe would reduce her to masturbation fodder if the film came out. After all, what’s hotter than jacking off to images of a dead woman? Preferably shots of the corpse but failing that, just footage. Anna Nicole Smith is probably getting more work now in the minds of heterosexual teenaged boys than she ever did in life.

Plus, I refuse to believe that the man who bought the film won’t be showing it to his friends privately. I refuse to believe that. He will absolutely be having people over to show them the tape and he’ll probably even make a night of it with guacamole and chips and some Coronas as well. Coronas with lime wedges because the name of the night will be the Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape Mexican Food potluck party. Invitations will say, “Please come to my party. We will be watching the Marilyn Monroe sex tape and will be eating delicious Mexican food. As it is a potluck, please bring a dish of your own but make sure it’s Mexican! Also, please RSVP asap as space is limited.”

And the invite will be printed on one of those cards that come in a pack of 20 and have a tear off bit at the end that you have to fill out and tick a box that says “ I can come” or “Sorry, I can’t make it”.

Someone will be opening the mail and will be writing a list of people who can make it and can’t.

Still, I'm glad that this has happened in a way because it means that the Yasser Arafat sex tape I've been longing for since I was 7 could very will still exist. Who knows what is hidden where these days...


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