Tuesday, April 15, 2008

TMZ reports that it’s that time of year again when the Mormon Church gets to work producing its calendar of hot, shirtless Mormon missionary boys who have returned from their years of wandering in the proverbial desert, subsisting on a diet of breakfast cereal and immature, repression based male aggression and I couldn’t be happier. The two pics below are from the actual calendar. They're both named Matthew.

And the thing is, it’s not really because the boys are shirtless – because they all look like generic Chelsea queen clones and plastic, unreal clones don’t do much for me – that’s why I don’t live in LA – well, one of the 50 reasons, anyway.

No, the reason the Mormons Exposed Calendar is such a treasured cultural item is because of how completely freaking warped it is.

The website attempts to explain what it’s about by saying:

The fact that twelve young returned missionaries are posing shirtless will certainly raise eyebrows, but may also help to sort out some common misconceptions about Mormons. The shock value of what these traditionally conservative young men have helped to create has the power to build a dialogue that encourages people across every belief system and walk of life to defy stereotypes, step out of judgment and embrace tolerance.

OR – and I’m just going to throw this out there as a possible ALTERNATE explanation – it gives the guy who orchestrated this entire thing a way of channeling his latent homosexuality into a form that won’t eventually cause him to kill someone out of eventual sexual frustration while maintaining some form of freakish allegiance to the Church that will not accept him.

Do I really need to point out that regardless of any “dialogue” that may be “encouraged” by the calendar – the basic completely fucking LUDICROUS basis for Mormonism remains and their flat out basic emotional torture of gay people also remains a constant and unchanging part of their doctrine.

And that’s just a part of the joy of Mormonism!

Why there’s a whole shitload of other gems to marvel at when you take a look at the inane cult of Joseph Smith! Like the magic underwear for instance, or the fact that Joseph Smith was a con man, that, unlike Mormon doctrine professes: DNA testing has proven that it’s impossible for Native Americans to be a lost tribe of Israel.

But the fun doesn’t stop there, in fact even though my list will, it probably never stops because not only is it a religion, it’s an AMERICAN religion so it’s equal parts showbiz and equal parts a distinct departure from rational thought! Just like Scientology! For instance, Mormons, for the longest time, professed that black people are pre-disposed to a life of slavery both in heaven and on earth simply because they are black and can we all agree that polygamy is nothing more than the result of a sexually oppressive male social structure? I’m happy to. Burkas, female circumcision, polygamy – it doesn’t matter the religion, it’s all just misogyny.

Oh cool! But they have this freaking hot ass calendar of missionary boys with their shirts off! Oh, forget all that! Let’s start a dialogue! That’ll change a religious doctrine whose only power is in the fact that it must remain unchanging or it isn’t a universal truth to the Mormons.

But then, maybe they can change a few things here and there when it suits them. I mean, the Catholic Church does when it sees fit. Which reminds me; isn’t there a calendar of hot Roman priests? At least they take off their underwear at some point during the day even if they don’t do it on camera. [source] [source] [source]

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