Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oh Good. Ali Lohan is headed, full throttle with the help of her best friend mother, Dina Lohan, into more or less exactly the same crap fest, chaotic minefield life that older sister Lindsay has been wading through.

Ali Lohan has been filming a reality show for E!, she’s recording an album and she’s about to star in a film as a popular high school girl. Personally, my favourite part about Ali Lohan is that she more or less shares the same name as a pill that makes you shit oil uncontrollably but that’s neither here nor there.

So, this news of Ali’s burgeoning career basically confirmed that Dina Lohan has a business model. You quirt out a kid, wait till it’s old enough then drag it through as many different high impact, exposure saturated projects as possible. You do business from your spot beside the pool surrounded by your sycophant girlfriends who are all really afraid of you and any time the new meal ticket kid gets cocky you get up, steady yourself in your mules and your two piece bikini, towel off some of the sparkling hog fat you’re using to tan (it comes in a block from C Town so no need to fuss with messy lids and caps) and march into that house and smack the kid into submission.

Eventually the kid will flip out and get drunk and run into a tree in her car but that’s why you just invested in a couple of kids.

Best line ever from future Lohan kidwreck:

"I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage."

Was she really watching, I wonder? Perhaps the darker moments where her mother’s multiple bejeweled rings on either hand backhanded Lindsay across the face hacking into her cheek any time she said she didn’t feel like going on have been repressed enough to not count anymore. Makeup would always stand there backstage in case Dina got angry. They learned that they had to be ready to cover up the welts. No one likes a scarred child star. [source]

No comments: