Monday, April 21, 2008

Predictable conservative shill slab of tuna Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the New York Post reports, isn’t so uptight after all. She and her quarterback husband Tim apparently are great fans of Bret Michaels and Poison and were heard talking about how great it was to see them live at Tim’s brother Matt’s bachelor party. Oh my goodness, wow, she’s so cool. Let’s not forget that Bret Michaels is a Republican so perhaps that was the only concert she would allowed into without getting repeatedly vomited on. I mean, apart from Wilford Brimley’s diabetes support group meetings and Clint Eastwood’s socially awkward barbecues.

What a kick ass event that Poison concert would have been. You’d have Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s lip gloss heavy mouth spewing out relentless, needy, demanding, breathless conservative tripe, a whole room of meat head idiot ball players and a chronically outdated band featuring a bloated idiot reality TV wash up all in a room together calculating how much everything cost them, making sure as much of it could be as free as possible and toasting to things like the myth of the female libido, the Iraq war, the Bush presidency, how pointless art school is, how great it is that MBAs rule the newsroom and putting your soul on hold to make as much money as possible.

At the end of the night ten women were beaten to death and the local police turned a blind eye because they’re football fans.

The only nights Elizabeth doesn’t cry herself to sleep, I’m fairly certain, are the nights her husband comes home with a diamond necklace for her. She keeps the tears to herself though. Because she wants to keep him happy. Oh. My. God. Just. Like. Ann Boleyn! What the hell is going ON today?

I’m pretty sure Hasselbeck either knocks herself out with booze and vicodin or, if she’s run out of those, she just smacks her head into a wall until she’s unconscious. I mean, wouldn’t anyone if they were her? [source]

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