The Reluctant Whore

Week #39 in Review

The unrelenting cultural oil spill that is pop star Britney Spears continued to have her legal proceedings played out in public when former bodyguard, Tony Barretto was interviewed on the Today Show by Matt Lauer. During the interview, he stated that the reason he was coming forward with information about Spears’ drug use was because he was concerned for the welfare of her children rather than the fact that he has an axe to grind because she fired him for not picking up her hat when asked. Following that unpleasantness, Britney was charged for driving without a license.

At the other end of the cultural spectrum where the smiles are white and the conduct is virtuous, sort of, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens were apparently so fascinating to the general public that it was reported a magazine entitled “Zanessa” would hit shelves on Tuesday, Oct 2. The magazine will feature extensive coverage of the apparent relationship between Efron and Hudgens.

Former supermodel Christie Turlington had lyme disease, entertainer Steve-O from Jackass went on the Howard Stern Show and talked about how actress Lindsay Lohan once stole cocaine from his home and the new advertisements for both Britney Spears’ new fragrance, “Believe” and Mariah Carey’s “M” came out to many people’s shock and or horror.

Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis was threatened with a lawsuit from some women who claimed he used footage of them without their permission despite the fact that the footage of them explicitly shows them giving their consent, model Pam Anderson was rumoured to be partying too hard and hanging out with Paris Hilton’s ex-lover Rick Solomon and the prize money being offered to former rockers Kid Rock and Tommy Lee to box in a ring over Anderson climbed from one million dollars to five million dollars.

Right wing pundit Ann Coulter stated in Esquire Magazine that she wants a fatwa placed on her, a member of the crew from actor Tom Cruise’s film, “Valkyrie” farted during a moment of silence at a German monument from the Nazi regime and Cruise fired him and it was cleared up that actually, actress Maureen McCormick did not have lesbian sex with her former Brady Bunch co-star Eve Plum, and isolated gay teen internet video sensation Chris Crocker was in Los Angeles talking about how Britney Spears should be allowed to take drugs and drive without a license.

In numbers and records news, a hotel in Sri Lanka was offering a dessert that costs $14,500 because it comes with a large aquamarine stone, an anonymous bidder paid 29,000 English pounds for a 157 year old bottle of Bowmore Scotch Whiskey, a competitive eater who goes by the name Eater X won the “World Burrito Eating Contest” by eating 10 ¾ burritos in 12 minutes and Australian John Allwood smashed 40 watermelons with his head in 1 minute breaking some kind of record.

In further news out of Australia, a woman bartender was in court for serving customers shots of disinfectant while in Asia, Japanese people were paying 43 dollars for a pint of what is called “Adult Milk”, a specific harvest of milk taken from cows early in the morning to ensure high levels of the hormone melatonin which has a calming effect and they were also paying for soap that looks extraordinarily like dessert.

In China, the government banned sexually provocative sounds and tantalizing language in advertisements on radio and television, the Starbucks that was located in the Forbidden City was shut down and replaced by a locally owned and managed coffee shop and three different people were in court for killing their lovers with rat poison; one of which put the poison in a gelatin capsule, kissed her lover and made him swallow the pill.

In Russia, the government was hard at work constructing Federation Island, a smaller island recreation of Russia itself while in Kazakhstan, outrage erupted when photos of President Nursultan Nazarbayev in tight swimming trunks were published in the media. In Africa, a Nigerian witchdoctor was arrested after he was hired by politicians to perform rituals near an election tribunal that was investigating voter fraud.

In Europe, flag sales escalated in Belgium as the Belgian inclination to show nationalistic support to their country escalated amid further discussion that Belgium may divide into smaller states and a German man celebrated Oktoberfest by becoming really drunk and then getting himself stuck in a chimney for 12 hours.

In the United States, a restaurant opened up in New York that emphatically serves collagen as a beauty treatment and meal in one and George W Bush addressed a New York school about the importance of education programs. He made this point through use of the phrase

“Childrens do learn”