Wednesday, September 26, 2007

So, Tom Cruise and the cast and crew of Valkyrie were all visiting an historical site at which anti-Nazis were executed. They were having a minute’s silence because Tom Cruise is working as hard as humanly possible to make the Germans like him and seeing as he’s a freaking insane cult leader, that’s harder than say smiling and waving like the actual Queen does.
Everything was going according to plan when someone in the crew farted.

The reports on Female First don’t say whether someone else giggled or whether or not a whole lot of the boys up the back started pointing and laughing and groaning but it’s probably a surefire bet that that’s what happened. Then Tom gave them detentions. When you get a Tom Cruise film detention it means you have to go underground to his 10 million dollar subterranean bunker in Colorado for a week. Only boys are allowed and they’re not allowed to wear clothes because clothes are …ah…well, what…he hasn’t quite figured out the religious reasoning behind that rule yet but it is for religious purposes.

Seeing as Tom Cruise is such a high maintenance control freak, it would be interesting to see just how much stress he can deal with until he actual cracks open and the burnt walnut that bounces around inside him falls out in a cloud of fairly toxic gas. Yes, it would be interesting to see how long it takes to get to that point and actually just to watch the theatrics of it too. That walnut is all that is left of his unmedicated brain.

At the end of the day, it’s good that Cruise Corp was forced to witness a fart seeing as he seems to uptight he probably has them surgically removed at night. By porn star surgeons. Yes, that’ll do.

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