Sunday, September 23, 2007

Week #38 in Review

After being held without it for several days, bail for ex-footballer OJ Simpson was set at $125,000 and he was charged with 11 different crimes relating to the hotel break in incident of the prior week. Regardless of the fact that he was not holding a gun while the incident took place, the fact that someone in his group of henchmen was means that he now faces up to life imprisonment if convicted.

Pop star Britney Spears’ custody hearing involved a surprise witness who happened to be a former security guard for Spears was called in by Spears’ ex-husband K-Fed’s lawyers. Prior to being fired for not picking up a hat for her in the allotted time, he testified that he noticed that she had problems with nudity, safety and drug use. It was also rumoured that the FBI had been investigating a hit that had been allegedly put out on K-Fed. The hearing resulted in Spears being allowed some custody of the children but she was told to see a therapist and go to parenting classes and that she was not allowed to drink for 12 hours prior to coming in contact with her children. The night after this was announced she was seen out drinking in Los Angeles. Britney Spears was banned from the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles after her behavior was deemed inappropriate.
Actress Maureen McCormick announced she was writing a tell-all book in which she goes into detail about the lesbian interaction between her and actress Eve Plum who played Jan Brady opposite her Marcia Brady in the Brady Bunch, reality TV character Kim Kardashian was confirmed to be appearing in Playboy baring her ass and one breast, downtown New York nightlife magazine Paper ran an interview with right wing pundit Ann Coulter that was conducted by socialite wannabe Fabian Basabe and Kid Nation, a reality show that places 40 kids under 16 in a ghost town in New Mexico with the intent to see how they go at getting it together to form a society premiered on CBS to terrible ratings.
Comedian Sherri Shepherd announced on The View that she had never thought seriously about whether or not the world was flat, online video sensation Chris Crocker announced that he had inked a deal for a reality TV show, and actor Jared Leto suggested to actress Sienna Miller that the best way to lose weight is to drink nothing but pepper in water for a month and have lots of sex.

Rapper 50 Cent started to cancel appearance around the world as his album consistently did worse than Rapper Kanye West. 50 Cent had been taunting West by suggesting that he would beat him in record sales once both their albums dropped on September 11. New Zealand was the only place where 50 Cent came out ahead of West.
It was reported in TV Week magazine that actress Hayden Panettiere had, on the red carpet at the Emmys, threatened an entertainment reporter for writing something about her ex-boyfriend she didn’t approve of and Panettiere been pulled into line by a publicist, Rosie O’Donnell turned down an interview appearance on Oprah that was designed to promote her new book while Oprah herself paid 250 million dollars to her now ex-partner Stedman with the proviso that he not write a tell-all book about their relationship now that they are not together. Oprah also announced that she was leaving 30 million dollars to her ensure the well being of her dogs when she dies.

In numbers and records news, it was reported that 15% less Americans actually wash their hands after using the bathroom than say they do in surveys and elsewhere in America the Church of Latter Day Saints released a calendar of shirtless male missionaries from around the world to promote Mormonism. It was suggested that packaging for the new Super Mario Brothers game contained covert homophobic messages, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers announced he was suing God and days later a note, meant to have been written by God in response to the lawsuit appeared in court saying that God was above the law of man. A court ruled that a mummified baby be buried and not passed down from generation to generation in a family and the local government in Alberta, Canada announced a new initiative to get children hunting more and playing video games less by suggesting that hunting is a healthier pastime.

In Africa, drained and headless corpses were showing up in the West African State of Togo as part of the mounting hysteria surrounding the pending election there and in South America a meteorite hit Peru and a lot of people started getting sick in the surrounding area.

In Australia, a man was sentenced to 12 months community service after he got high on drugs and climbed into a house, went through the bathroom, fashioned a sex toy out of a rubber glove and a piece of wood and then used it on himself and two lesbians were suing their IVF doctor for impregnating one of them with twins when they said they only wanted one child.
In Asia, a 30 year old man died after sitting in a Chinese internet café playing online games for 3 days straight while in Japan the ultra rich were visiting a restaurant where patrons were able to have sex with animals prior to the animals being slaughtered and cooked for consumption.

In the UK and Europe, the fashion label Zara had to recall handbags that had been accidentally decorated with swastikas, the Irish defense force announced that it has a set of images of UFOs that they had been collecting over the past 50 years, the new edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary came out with 16,000 words that previously contained hyphens now not containing them, the Polish Women’s Party put up posters featuring images of their candidates nude and a frustrated journalist and teacher put the nation of Belgium up for sale on ebay.

“I wanted to attract attention,” he said. “You almost have to throw a rock through a window to get attention for Belgium”

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