Sunday, September 16, 2007

Week #37 In Review

In the week that included the 6th anniversary of 9/11, the build-up and probably masochistic anticipation surrounding pop star Britney Spears performance at the VMAs was sated as audiences watched her crawling her way through a routine and badly miming the words to her new song “Gimme More”. It was critically panned across the board as being a travesty and the fallout that ensued dominated public consciousness for the rest of the week. It was reported that after running offstage, Britney burst into tears and screamed, “I look like a fat pig” and was then medicated by a doctor to calm her down.
Following the award ceremony, she changed clothes and went out in all black wearing no underwear and her crotch was photographed as she got out of a car. Reports from insiders said that in the lead up to the awards Britney was rarely at rehearsal and she was seen walking around with a frozen margarita. The only time she was seen after the after party for the VMAs was days later when she had a long lunch with her lawyer. Chris Crocker, a young gay boy from small town USA who video tapes himself talking about his life recorded a special announcement calling for everyone to leave Britney where he spoke in a tear soaked hysterical tone and within days he was being interviewed on every major news organization in the country.

The VMAs also featured a fight between aging rockers Kid Rock and Tommy Lee which was started when model Pamela Anderson sat on Tommy Lee’s lap and Rock hit Lee in the face. In the final leg of New York Fashion Week, fashion designer Marc Jacobs began his show 2 hours late and in reverse and rocker Courtney Love lit up a cigarette in the front row while she waited while Editor of US Vogue Anna Wintour rolled her eyes and sighed. At the Heatherette Show the following day, actress Bijou Phillips sat in a chair and danced by herself to no music and the New York Post reported that she was totally up for marrying her current boyfriend.
Ex-footballer OJ Simpson was reported to be under suspicion for a robbery that took place in a cheap hotel, two soap stars, Kirsten Storms and Sean Kanan were arrested in LA for DUI and comedian Kathy Griffin won an Emmy for her show “My Life on the D List” and in her acceptance speech stated that “Jesus can suck it!” and was condemned by the Catholic Church who demanded that her statements be removed from the telecast and the E! Network complied with their wishes.

“Girls Gone Wild” producer Joe Francis offered High School Musical 2 star Vanessa Hudgens a half a million dollars to join the Girls Gone Wild brand and “lifestyle”, numbers calculated since the drop of both of their albums suggested that musician Kanye West had consistently sold more albums than musician Fitty Cent however their bet was to be concluded at the beginning of next week and Perez Hilton premiered his new program on VH1, entitled “What Perez Sez” . Marilyn Manson launched his own brand of Absinthe called “Mansinthe” in conjunction with a small town in Switzerland.

In numbers and records news, a Japanese man by the name of Ochi Yosuke became the new air guitar champion of the world when he won a competition held in a venue near the Arctic Circle and a $120,000 pair of ruby, diamond and sapphire encrusted Rene Caovilla shoes were put on display in Harrods Department Store in London with a live cobra guarding them inside a display case.

In Europe and abroad, a Polish computer programmer was in trouble for creating an internet link between the word “penis” and the president of Poland’s official website while Russia held it’s official “Conception Day” designed to promote the conception of children in Russia to help combat a dwindling population.
In Asia, the Chinese government ruled that all cigarette packets would soon include pictures of rotting lungs to indicate the dangers of smoking and they also sent out a warning to people who were receiving e-card version of the lotus seed paste moon cake as many were believed to contain a worm virus. In Africa, Nigerian president David Mark stated that banks should no longer use beautiful women to attract customers.

In South America a Venezuelan man was thought to be dead and was undergoing an autopsy when he experienced what he later described as excruciating pain and woke up. His body was stitched back up immediately.

In North America, research from the University of Maryland stated that traders who made investment decisions on an emotional reaction basis were more successful than those who made decisions made on the basis of intellectual reasoning , a drug dealer in Lebanon, Ohio was arrested for selling a mixture of vinegar and catfish bait as heroin and a cook who works at the Great China Buffet in Rockland County was found cutting up garlic out the back of the restaurant by stomping on it with boots.

“There he was just jumping up and down on it, smashing it up, having a good time,” said the man who caught him.

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