Friday, January 11, 2008

Week # 2 in Review

During the week that Hillary Clinton came third in the Iowa caucus, almost cried on TV and then went on to win the New Hampshire primary, a weekend of heavy self promotion ensued for Television host Dr. Phil that involved releasing statements to the media about his take on pop star Britney Spears. Dr. Phil was raked over the coals by the Spears family who said they asked him for help Britney not to use her as a publicity vehicle for his new show. It was widely reported that when Dr. Phil went to Spears’ hospital room, she threw him out and that when Spears' toddler son Jayden James was taken to hospital he had bruises and bite marks on him that were later attributed to his brother Sean Preston. Despite news that Spears herself tested negative for illegal drugs, the UK’s News of the World reported that in fact, Spears had ingested a toxic cocktail that included high doses of Nyquil, Redbull, vodka, vicodin, adderal and weight control pills among other intoxicants. This was unverified by any other source.

It was speculated that Britney Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynn Spears was a fan of the soundtrack to the film Juno, a film about an underaged girl who gets pregnant. Later in the week it was reported that she did not adequately tip a minimum wage earning waitress. Former youtube sensation Chris Crocker who shot to fame by making a film of himself crying while begging the public to leave Britney Spears alone was quoted as saying that he retracts his statement and that actually “Britney needs to not be left alone right now”.

After clearly stating in the past that he is not a Scientologist, actor Will Smith gave out free personality test vouchers to be redeemed at the church of Scientology as wrap party gifts on his most recent film “Hancock” even though the personality tests are always free anyway. Actor Nicole Kidman pulled out of filming Stephen Daldry’s post World War 2 German drama, “The Reader” but stopped short of admitting that it was because she is pregnant which she did admit the following day after insistent speculation.

New York columnist Amy Fisher, infamously known as the Long Island Lolita, began to promote her recently released sex tape by having a premiere party for it at New York nightclub Retox, actor Katie Holmes opened up about her daughter Suri Cruise and was quoted as saying, “She’s a very strong woman. I’m very proud of her. She’s actually teaching me a lot – probably more than I’m teaching her.”, and it was reported that the billing dispute between Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead and his lawyer Debra Opri was still going on with no resolution in sight.

Ex-Playboy model Pamela Anderson, who had previously decided not to divorce her husband Rick Salomon announced that not only was she going to proceed with the separation but that she is pregnant with his child, Oprah Winfrey was seen tearing up while watching the premiere performance of Chaka Khan in the Broadway play “The Color Purple” when the two main characters decided to embrace their lesbianism and pop star Avril Lavigne reached a settlement in the case of plagiarism against her in the same week that she publicly announced she is pregnant.

In Extraordinarily Odd news, gamblers in South East Asia were not being allowed to make a bet on what the exact number of the hotel room in which the Malaysian Health Minister Chua Soi Lek filmed a sex tape was, bookers said they weren’t willing to take the risk due to the fact that the number could easily have been published on the front page a newspaper, the Seoul subway authority announced it would be installing toilets on all subway trains after an engineer died trying to deal with chronic diarrhea; he fell from the train while climbing out a window, a fluorescent pig in China gave birth to three fluorescent piglets and Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to scale Mount Everest died at 88.

In the US, a St. Louis town was considering a bill that would ban swearing in bars along with table dancing, drinking contests and profane music, two men in Manhattan wheeled a dead body into a Social Security Office in order to collect his Social Security check before being arrested on charges of fraud, the FBI's ability to continue wiretapping terrorist suspects was halted as they didn't pay their phone bill and eight dead and live mice were found on a United Airlines Flight from Washington to Beijing.

In the UK and Europe, a motion was filed in the British House of Commons yesterday calling for the deconstruction of the link between the church and the government and it was randomly given the number 666, customs officials in France seized 224,000 fake Viagra and Cialis pills which were traveling from Brazil to India, the owner of a small business in Germany fired three non smoking employees because it was claimed they were disturbing the peace by requesting a smoke free working environment, and in Austria, a man was arrested for faking illnesses and injuries to that he could live rent free in hospitals for the two years while a dog was taken to a Veterinary clinic because it had consumed a large quantity of beer and as a result had dreadful gas, and diarrhea.

“When I got him up on the table,” said his owner. “He smelled like a distillery”

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