Sunday, January 06, 2008

Week #1 in Review
After predictable reports of pop star Britney Spears’ celebration of New Years Eve emerged which involved claims that she spent time with her children and Adnan Ghalib the paparazzi photographer she has been seeing, the climax to the entire Britney Spears saga that more or less began in 2006 with her shaving her own head occurred when Britney attended her deposition with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Full custody of their two children was given to Federline. When Federline’s security team arrived at Britney’s home to collect the two boys there were delays in releasing the boys so the police were called. Ambulances, fire trucks and dozens of police arrived and the children were taken into custody while Britney herself was strapped to a bed and taken to hospital where she was under placed under suicide watch. She was tested for drugs and found to be clean of illicit substances meaning that the hysterical reaction she had was almost entirely the result of mental illness.

As it was the first week of 2008, psychic predictions for the year were published in the New York press and they included a terrorist attack on the Beijing Olympics, Prince William or Harry being kidnapped, Senator Hilary Clinton dropping out of the presidential race, pop star Madonna shaving her head and actor Tom Cruise hitting a guy.
Reality TV character Kim Kardashian announced that she is dating football player Reggie Bush, ex-zeitgeist Paris Hilton was seen out with Kevin Federline and former Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, pop star Fergie and actor Josh Duhamel announced their engagement and actor Mary Louise Parker was overhead in New York complaining about how a cast member of her television show Weeds lacks talent and has a sense of entitlement and it was assumed she was talking about actor Mary Kate Olsen.

Comedian Jimmy Fallon married Nancy Juvonen and it was reported that Tom Cruise supplies his security guards with one hundred dollar bills so they can tip anyone who does anything for him and his family when they go out. It was also reported that Cruise spends around one million dollars a year on gasoline to keep all his vehicles running. After much deliberation, model Pamela Anderson announced that she was getting divorced from her current husband, Rick Salomon and actress Lindsay Lohan was simultaneously voted the worst actress of 2007 by users of AOL in the same week that she was honoured for her contribution to cinema at a film festival in Capri, Italy. Lohan was seen kissing three different men and drinking champagne after being in rehab for almost a year to combat alcoholism. Lohan’s ex-boyfriend Riley Giles sold details of his sexual relationship with Lohan to the UK’s News of the World for $120,000 and Lohan’s mother called Giles’ mother to accuse her of bad parenting.
In extraordinarily odd news in Europe, Antonio Nunes, the head of the Portuguese agency responsible for enforcing a new ban on smoking in public was seen lighting up at a party on New Year’s Eve, six Czechs who hacked into a TV station and played footage of a nuclear eruption coming out of a volcano as news were charged in court and could face up to three years jail time and 102 year old Eric King-Turner and Doris, his 87 year old wife moved from Britain to New Zealand to start a new life.
In the US, Ricky Labit, a 6 foot 3, obese, disabled offshore worker in Louisiana was both over-charged and banned by a Chinese buffet because he ate too much food and Stan Friedman, a librarian from Manhattan, won a couch potato contest after he successfully sat in a chair at ESPN Zone in Times Square, New York and didn’t move from watching college football for 29 hours.
In Asia, the Northern Indian government made the decision to have its unemployed citizens capture and sterilize monkeys to combat a plague, the word “stock” and the names of three banks were among the most frequently searched words on Google China in 2007 and the word “sex” was not in the top 10 list, and finally Malaysian Health Minister Chua Sio Lek made a public admission that he is in fact the man in a DVD being circulated featuring a man who has tantric sex with a woman. The woman in the film is not his wife.

“I would like to emphasise that I did not make the tape myself,” he said.

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