Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A little while back there was an outrageous (and quickly banned) company selling a (z-list) celebrity and (mad/hack) scientist endorsed skin cream on Chinese TV that claimed it could remove freckles called, evocatively enough "Magic Freckle Removal Gel". [source] The ad for the product showed that it was safe by delicately applying some of the treatment to a fish to show how gentle it was. Sadly, what the ads then didn’t immediately show was that the fish died of massive burns and the skin cream was leaving people hideously scarred. When all was revealed the product was banned, people were informed, the horror faded blah blah blah.

But while that notion of linking fish to skin treatment served only to reinforce the probability of hideous disfigurement and death due to massive product development negligence proved to be unpopular with “people” in 2006 in China (or any place else come to think of it) the idea of bringing fish into the world of skin care has been calmed down, roped in, packaged again in Turkey and can be added to the list of brilliant new, off the wall beauty treatments that already includes skin serum made from placenta extract and specks of pure gold, emergency weight loss brought on by purposefully ingested stomach viruses, hair conditioner made of bull semen, oxygen bars, shots of wheatgrass juice and apparently life changing Kombuchu tea.

Now, if you’ve got psoriasis or eczema, you can pay to sit in a tub of water that contains hundreds of tiny toothless fish who are craving tiny stomachfuls of diseased human flesh that will literally eat the dead skin off your legs and ass while you sit there reading a book. Why do they love to eat dead skin and diseased weeping open sores so much? Because the water they swim in has no floating organisms in it because it’s too warm. Consequently, they literally ARE starving and they just seem to LOVE diseased flesh. They kind of have to really, what choice do they have? In fact, the more diseased the better because the more disease there is, the more hard dead calloused skin there is and therefore the more hunger satisfaction and culinary delight those fish experience. But apart from more or less being a psoriasis treatment this is also a Godsend for people afflicted with psoriasis or eczema to the point where, when you stop to look at them on the street and can’t help but picture them naked, you get a general but powerful and almost crippling sense of nausea. While those people’s bodies may be so dominated in rashes that they are too hideous to deserve human love, this is also an experience for them to experience what it’s like to be physically wanted – albeit by fish – but still, it’s something as well as a potential cure.

You’d certainly have to have a high level of disposable income and time and, for that matter, patience to really commit to a treatment like this seeing as the recommended amount of time spent in the pool being literally eaten alive by those tiny fish is 8 hours a day for 21 days which will set you back about 4000 US dollars (all inclusive). To make that clear: you have to sit in the pool in Turkey for 21 days straight, 8 hours a day. Sure, that kind of commitment to a treatment is fine for something like cancer but psoriasis? Jesus, you’d be better off just getting out the blow torch and a pair of pliers and doing it yourself at home. Plus, it’d be cheaper.

But, really – think of the ultimate scenario involving inner and outer beautification if all these treatments were done at once; as you sat in a bath being literally eaten alive by tiny, flesh hungry fish, you could have your hair soaked in fresh bull semen (extracted while the bull was at a guaranteed optimum level of sexual arousal to ensure top levels of hair shining testosterone) and your face in sparkling human skin extract while intermittently downing shots of wheat grass, inhaling pure oxygen and vomiting up your stomach lining. Could the quest for beauty be any more beautiful itself? [source] [source]


Jonathan said...

Behold the birth of a new blog warning...NSFLR -not safe for lunchtime reading.

Matt said...

Yeah, I probably should have...

From now on, I'll make sure.