Thursday, April 19, 2007

Airport officials in New Zealand would have done well to watch Fight Club before jumping to outrageous terror-based conclusions about what was in the mysterious package that showed up from China. Mysterious and frighteningly foreign wiring inside prompted them to immediate quarantine it for fear that it was a bomb but in reality, it was just a sex toy. To be fair, what the hell sex toy shows up on an x-ray machine as even vaguely similar to a bomb? Maybe it was the kind of industrial strength thigh pummeling jackhammer machine used by someone like Joan Collins or Michael Jackson. The extra Chernobyl strength radiation ray inside the main hollowed out shaft chamber provides a guarantee of sensation for anyone whose soul has gone missing. Sort of like those insistent old guys who show up to parties wearing a cock ring. Just so you know they’ve thought about it and came prepared. They need a whole lot more help to feel anything that most people know. Plus, just to rope it back in to a reasonable level of focus, perhaps there are a few airport baggage handlers in New Zealand who were in need of a little excitement at tired old Auckland Airport. Understimulated at work? Desperate for a little attention? What terrorist would bomb Auckland? Try a more believable emergency next time. Why not – sheep stampede or swallowed vowel crisis? Just a few options…[source]

Speculation surrounds who on earth would actually send a death threat to adorable polar bear cub, Knut after a letter that read: “Knut is dead!” arrived at the Berlin Zoo. Since being abandoned by his mother a while back, Knut has made international headlines and become a media sensation, most notably appearing on the front cover of Vanity Fair magazine with Leonardo diCaprio. He is safe and in good spirits," said zoo official Ragnar Kuehne – the “good spirits” part, of course, being a given in the sense that he’s a freaking bear and can’t in any way actually perceive that some freak wrote a note and sent it. His notoriety has actually pushed the value of Berlin Zoo stock up prompting the Stockholm Zoo to try and bolster THEIR stock’s value by having a press release and attempted media conference about Bilbo, the baby lemur. Hmmm, do we really need to draw a diagram here? [source]

A man in Israel has a part of his tongue bitten off by a woman after a particularly aggressive make out session which should serve as a reminder that, as religion teaches us, all forms of physical intimacy are punishable by physical dismemberment. It is God’s will that their sinful embrace was met with bloodshed. While the tongue was reattached by a doctor, obviously a Devil worshipping heathen, it’s bound to be a lesson he’ll not soon forget. Thankfully. [source}

1 comment:

Jonathan said...

The New Zealand story wins Oxymoron of the Day for "explosives safe." And how much must the night shift hate the day shift? "Just put that bomb-like package in the safe and let those wankers on the day shift deal with it."