Sunday, April 29, 2007

Week # 17 in Review

The White House Press Correspondent’s dinner proved that it could be as much about flash in the pan celebrity as actual White House, Press and Correspondents as attendees including Elliot Spitzer lined up to meet Sanjaya Malakar and Sheryl Crow and Laurie David managed to invoke a response to a plea for face time from Karl Rove that removed all lingering doubt that he remains fundamentally sheltered from and socially awkward when in front of regular people.

Rosie O’Donnell announced she will be leaving The View due to contract negotiation failure with ABC prompting Donald Trump to immediately announce that she was actually leaving because she was fired and also that he probably had something to do with her firing. The basis for both statements remain unsubstantiated and were considered to be more than likely the result of his desperate need for attention than anything else.

Not one person that he’s worked with in the past came forward to defend the reputation of frighteningly dark music producer Phil Specter in the murder trial he is currently involved in, photographs of Britney Spears showed to have possibly lost some of the weight she put on while not working and hammering down booze and junk food but it was later revealed that she more than likely had undergone Lippodissolve surgery in Las Vegas and any real personal couldn’t possibly be measured by how good she suddenly looked and Corey Haim and Corey Feldman announced that they will be guest advice columnists on and will be starring in a reality TV show called The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys.

It was rumoured that Queen Elizabeth II was planning to grant her husband, Prince Philip the title of Prince Consort on their 60th wedding anniversary, a title rarely given out by reigning monarchs to their husbands or wives, Bjork announced that the music video for her single “Innocence” from her forthcoming album “Volta” would be directed by a member of the general public who wins a competition and a phone message from Alec Baldwin to his daughter, Ireland, in which he called her a rude, ignorant pig, was released to the general public causing Baldwin to embark on a guilt assuaging appearance on The View and meetings with Dr. Phil.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers went into rehab, Richard Gere was accused of public obscenity when he kissed Bollywood star Silpa Shetty in public, a warrant was out for his arrest and pictures of him were burnt in the streets of India and it was also speculated that CNN anchor Anderson Cooper showers at the Time Warner Center’s Equinox gym in his underwear to protect against people secretly grabbing naked photos of him with their cell phones.

An old male bulldog named Riggs beat out 50 other bulldogs when he won a bulldog beauty contest in Des Moines, Iowa, it was revealed that 85% of Chinese people share one of a hundred names and that there are 88 million Chinese people with the last name of “Wang” which means “king” and, the site which features a real time web cam of a static block of maturing cheddar cheese clocked up a million hits.

Students in Sacramento, it was officially decided, are allowed to wear t-shirts that say “Sodomy is Sin” as long as they put a piece of electrical tape over the word “Sodomy”, a disgruntled AC Milan fan put goalkeeper Dida up for sale on eBay after he failed to perform at peak level during a recent game against Manchester United and a dead man rode around on a train in Java for half a day until someone noticed him.

Because religious law forbids the role women generally play in then, Saudi Arabian tribes were readying their camels for a beauty contest, people were buying sex toys for their dogs to deal with overly sexual leg humping canines and a German man and his horse went to sleep in the foyer of a bank when the man decided he was too drunk and tired to brave the cold and the night on his journey home.

A two year old boy in Essex got his head stuck in his toilet training seat so his mother walked him down to the local fire department to get him unstuck, restaurant goers in Taipei were given the option of a hospital themed restaurant where drinks are delivered through an IV tube and a stripper in Aberdeen who dresses in the tarted up uniform of a policeman was arrested for wearing it. A teacher in India was in trouble for attempting to purify lower caste students by pouring cow urine on their heads and 40 year old office clerk named Roberta went swimming naked in Rome’s famous Trevi Fountain and was arrested for public exposure.

“The water is everyone’s,” she said. “I was hot.”

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