The Reluctant Whore

Week #15 in Review

In much the same way it seems to roll out for every single plot twist in the Anna Nicole saga, gossip mongers the universe over waited, white knuckling it to find out for sure what they already more or less knew and when it was officially announced that Larry Birkhead was the actual father of Dannielyn Hope Marshall/Birkhead, it’s a safe bet no one was that bowled over in shock. Howard Stern announced prior to the paternity confirmation that he would not fight for custody of the little girl if he turned out to not be the father, Virgie Arthur said that she would aim for custody and a painting of Anna Nicole Smith, allegedly painted by Anna herself was for sale on ebay.com with a price exceeding 1.7million dollars.

The Musical Director of American Idol let it be known in the press prior to the weekly announcement that he thinks Sanjaya Malakar could potentially win the entire thing and, right in line with that theory, after the votes were tallied Sanjaya was safe for another week; Haley Scarnato leaving the competition. Don Imus was official canned at CBS and MSNBC for calling the women’s basketball team at Rutger’s “nappy headed hos” and after thinking about it for a while Barry Michael Cooper, director of New Jack City, recalled that once, in 1991, Oliver Stone had said the word “nigger” to him while in a restaurant.

Britney Spears, freshly linked to bad boy on the DL Howie Day was rumoured to actually be linked to L A Lakers star, Luke Walton, Jenna Jameson was missing meetings and apparently losing weight due to the stress she was experiencing from having vaginoplasty that didn’t go as well as planned, Tom Cruise announced that he was would be playing a Nazi who attempted to assassinate Adolf Hitler and it was speculated that this was his attempt at winning back the favour of the Germans who have more or less disregarded him due to his heavy involvement in Scientology which is banned in Germany.

Courtney Love continued to be photographed in Hawaii wearing a bikini and as such speculation continued to make the rounds as to how she lost the weight. While she claimed her weight loss was purely from hard dieting and exercise, theories included that she had had gastric banding surgery and was constantly vomiting as a result.

Michael Jackson came closer to knocking out some of the 100 million dollars he owes to various people as a prospective buyer for his Neverland Ranch (initially priced 50 million dollars) emerged, allegedly offering 20 million dollars instead, gang rape charges against three Duke University Lacrosse team members were dropped, Keith Olbermann made a clear, on the record statement that he thinks Anderson Cooper’s schtick is his personal life and Kate Moss confirmed that she is going to married Pete Doherty.

More than three thousand dollars was spent by activists in Maine to buy the freedom of three hundred lobsters who were set free again into the same waters in which they were originally caught, China was hard at work replacing 6500 badly translated signs in Beijing, 1000 wedding dresses being shipped over the border from the United States to Mexico were seized before they reached their destination and a New York couple, planning a move to Arizona where they plan to retire, announced that they will pay a cab driver 3000 dollars to drive them there rather than fly.

A reverend in Florida began a social concern based campaign to make young people pull their pants up higher than they are popularly worn, fresh from its victory that ensured Italian television could continue to show reality TV, it was announced that soon a program will begin in Italy where Italian mothers will be able to choose their son’s wives and an elderly man, stricken with Alzheimer’s disease was sound in a retirement home in Santa Ana California with a dead rat in his mouth.

After taunting his two current wives with the idea that he might marry another to solve their tendency to be socially impolite, Judaie Ibn Salem, in the Middle East, was attacked by his wives who were apparently fed up with his taunts in general, the Stockholm Zoo announced its answer to the Berlin Zoo’s tremendously media friendly and profitable little polar bear, Knut; namely a baby lemur named Bilbo and a developer in the UK announced his plans to construct a theme park based around the novels of Charles Dickens.

Germans were angrily burning speed cameras near Berlin, prison officials at The Hague realized that the arrows they’d painted on the ceilings of the rooms inside the prison to help Muslim inmates know which way Mecca was for their daily prayers were actually pointing in the wrong direction, a Chinese journalist was chastised by the Chinese Government for submitting green tea to hospitals rather than urine samples in an investigative report that showed how little the hospitals were paying attention to patients and the Pope’s new book, begun when was still Cardinal Ratzinger, is set for release internationally – in English on May 15. As it was begun before he was Pope, the book is not considered official Catholic doctrine.

In addressing this fact he said, “Everyone is free, then, to contradict me.”