The Reluctant Whore

Who would have thought that, rather than actually being human, Jenna Jameson really is a strange mythical beast whose superhuman power was contained in her highly pornographed vagina.

That’s right, no one would have, initially at least, but how wrong everyone was because it is all but confirmed that she is such a mythical, porno beast with reports about her shriveling vagina emerging again after she failed to attend the Exxotica Convention in Miami. About ten days ago, Jameson was reported to have been missing meetings with colleagues due to a botched vaginoplasty (that’s plastic surgery performed to “tighten the vagina”, and in this case, in order to restore a pre-puberty level of tightness after the use it’s seen probably included industrial drilling and a team of externally contracted builders and welders). The rumour that Jameson was experiencing some professionally distressing discomfort “downstairs” was initially downplayed by her publicist who explained it away by saying that the colleagues were being unnecessarily demanding of Jameson’s time when they reported her absence from meetings.

This time, things seem more dire. Apparently, Jameson has lost around 40lbs, which when you consider she only really weighed 8 lbs without the extra bits, is a lot of weight to lose. When she didn’t show up to the Exxotica Convention in Miami and blew off a whole series of high profile interviews including one with Anderson Cooper, things really have begun to look suspicious. Regardless of the lines from her publicist which lean towards explaining that rather than vagina complication (heaven forbid, after all - all their brand value is tied up in the functionability of her vagina) Jameson’s problems are a result of her recent divorce.

The facts, however, remain: As a successful porn star, the source of her power was her vagina. It was irreparably messed with and as a result, she has begun to shrivel, wither away and die just like what happened to King Triton’s in The Little Mermaid when Ursula took his crown. [source]