Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A man whose middle (or last?) name is Jesus, Jose de Jesus Miranda has achieved a publicity and cultural coup and actually been banned from three ENTIRE South American nations for claiming to be the anti-Christ. People work for years to get banned by the Catholic Church because it pays enormous dividends thanks to the hipsters and intellectuals who buy whatever is banned and the Catholics who also buy whatever banned but who do it late at night and while high on crystal meth. Sure, there's no doubt he's probably a bipolar, megalomaniac, cult leader exploiting weaker minds to his own benefit, not to mention that he's homophobic which, actually, is not usually something you find among true Satanists. So, apart from all the obviously horrifying things you do which I, more or less across the board, think are reprehensible, congrats to you Mr. de Jesus Miranda on your recent banning. [source]

The most hilarious part about the fact that Miss Mexico’s dress being considered too violent for the Miss Universe pageant, apart from the fact that you get to use the word “violent” in connection with soft core, plastic porn covered by a thin, arbitrary veil of family entertainment is the fact that because you have to be so disciplined, Miss Mexico was probably just ok with it, she’s rationalized it in her mind and she went out there, teeth vaselined up, stomach sucked in, vampiric narcissistic harpy within her soul that pushes her to relentlessly punish her body in order to win her father’s withheld love kept under control, smiling and ready to win. The fact that she was wearing a dress that had images painted on it showing hangings of the Roman Catholic uprising in the 1920s (if squint you can almost see the cardinals screwing whores and pilfering public funds to fuel their drug habits) wasn’t a bad fashion decision at all, it was just the best way to make viewers think of Mexico (!?). Through portraying violence based on religion. Great. Fire your stylist. Immediately. If you want to go there, which Miss Mexico did: where were the bottles of tequila, burritos and peyote? AND, what about a contemporary homage to the downtrodden underclass of kitchen workers who prop up the economy of New York City? Where’s THEIR Miss Universe dress montage? [source]

180,000 bidets in Japan were found to be dangerous while sadly not penetratively, in the sense that they could easily burst into flames while in use which, when you think about it, is actually kind of hilarious. There is definite comedic potential for a sketch that relies on the idea that someone sits down on a bidet, pants down and all of a sudden smoke rises from the back of the person but obviously they don’t notice (the audience does and they start to point and yell) until their ass is on fire (despite this being totally physically impossible) and they run around in a circle making a train noise until they quicky sit in a bucket of water and sigh with relief. Relief which, too, is totally unrealistic seeing as they’d actually have sustained fourth degree burns made worse by the needless running in circles. The company responsible is offering free repairs.[source]

1 comment:

Fiona Peel said...

"kind of hilarious"??? a bidet bursting into flames is fantastic!!! Throw into that scenario a japanese businessman sitting slowly sniffing the air to establish what is cooking, realising that it is his buttocks and then jumping around trying to see his now flaming rear end yelling and slapping
(inadvertantly fanning) the stricken area and you have a hidden camera show! or in Japan, a game show!!! "kind of..." You are losing it man.