Friday, April 06, 2007

Week #14 in Review

When a dog belonging to an elderly couple in India died the pair hanged themselves rather than continue living without their beloved pooch, three Indian taxi drivers were arrested for insisting their passengers watch pornography on screens and, bowing to pressure from the Catholic Church, a hotel in Chelsea, New York City was forced to take down a sculpture of a completely nude Jesus Christ made entirely of chocolate.

The infamous “Bangkok Hilton” prison in Thailand held boxing matches between women inmates where the prize for winning was a somewhat shorter sentence, the Pope’s old Volkswagen went on sale for charity again to raise funds for Habitat for Humanity, the Chinese were increasingly using Internet sites to make obli gatory offerings of incense to their dead ancestors, it was revealed that the reason parking tickets don’t get paid in Bulgaria is because there’s more or less no one employed to process the payments and Claudio Petruccioli, president of the Italian State Broadcaster officially lost his campaign to ban all reality TV in Italy.

300 pounds of Café Duran coffee was brewed up for 4 hours in Panama to create what is anticipated to be the world’s largest cup of coffee(pending confirmation from the Guinness Book of Records), an audience in Japan sat through a 184 hour long concert – the duration of which smashed the world record for longest concert by 2 hours, Chinese restaurateurs paid 580,000 yuan ($US75,000) for an unusually large Golden Tiger Fish because they believed it would bring them good financial luck and a woman in China fell 6 floors from her balcony while hanging out the laundry but escaped death when a pile of untreated sewage 20 centimeters thick cushioned her fall.

Howard K Stern was ordered to pay $10000 in fines for essentially wasting the Bahamian Court’s time with his request for a halt on the court ordered paternity tests to establish who is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannilyn Smith (the releasing of the results of which were delayed for another week for what appeared to be no apparent reason) while in the time it takes to establish such a finding, Virgie Arthur asked if the judge would allow her to be the guardian of her grand daughter ad litem.

Following on from his recent severing of ties from lawyer Debra Opry, Larry Birkhead received a bill from her for approximately $US650,000 that included expenses with questionable relevance to Birkhead’s specific case, Anna Nicole’s doctor was placed under investigation when it was discovered that she had prescribed the entire list of drugs found in Anna Nicole’s system during the autopsy and Hugh Hefner announced that Playboy would run a retrospective of images and footage of Anna Nicole as a tribute.

Gina Glockson was voted off American Idol, leaving Sanjaya Malakar on the show for yet another week prompting suspicion from the media about how a more or less talentless 17 year old could have reached this penultimate stage in the game and the woman in middle America who had gone on a hunger strike that was to end only when Malakar was voted off American Idol stated that her fast was ending on “doctor’s orders”.

Rosie O’Donnell’s campaign to prove herself ratings worthy continued when she called Bill O’Reilly an imbecile who does the bidding of “Big Brother” Rupert Murdoch and when she announced her skepticism that Tower 7 of the World Trade Center was demolished without the use of explosives. Christopher Hitchens publicized his forthcoming book, “God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything” by announcing his distain for the world’s major religions when he went through and listed what was wrong with each, Osama bin Laden announced his hatred of Dalai Lama and what he called, “pagan Buddhists” and Tom Cruise announced that all it will take to attend a fundraising dinner to help detox victims of 9/11 in New York City the Scientology way (as opposed to on instruction from a certified medical professional) is by paying $US100,000 per table.

Avril Lavigne went on record several times referring implicitly to her distain for Britney Spears and a romance that bloomed between Britney Spears herself and troubled rocker Howie Day was revealed. Justin Timberlake stated that he hated the gossip tabloids because they had turned his life into a soap opera and Jonathan Rhys Meyers was reported to have been seen acting emphatically heterosexual at various venues throughout New York City.

Alanis Morissette proved that, a mere ten years on, she has finally gained an understanding of the word “ironic” by releasing her acoustic, folk version of the Black Eyed Peas hit “My Humps”, Guy Ritchie shaved his head, Mariah Carey announced that she was looking to purchase a child in Mexico, Jennifer Lopez went for jury duty with an assistant and a change of clothes in toe and for the first time in ten years Kate Moss did not make FHM’s Hottest 100 women list.

Out Magazine named its 100 most influential gay Americans placing Anderson Cooper at number 2 and on the cover of the magazine despite Cooper’s refusal to comment on his sexual orientation, Martha Stewart had to cancel a book signing in Katonah, New England because the townsfolk were not happy about her using their town’s name on a new line of Martha Stewart living products, Ron Jeremy was in trouble for signing women’s breasts without their consent and Keith Richards stated that he snorted his father’s ashes.

“He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow,” he said. “My dad wouldn’t have cared. ... It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

The next day, after much media coverage of the remark, Richards said he was only joking.

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