Friday, May 18, 2007

Week #20 in Review

During the week where Jerry Falwell died and the continuing inquiry into the conduct of US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that there were far more than just 8 Federal Prosecutors fired for failing to be “Bushies”, Candy Spelling ascertained that her new role as grandmother is actually a role that extends far beyond her own family and, in fact, encompasses any floundering celebrity who didn’t ask for help. For the second time now, Candy Spelling has written an open letter to a celebrity – first it was Larry Birkhead and gave him some information about how he should pay attention to his hair and this week was Paris Hilton with advice on how to grow the hell up. If nothing else was apparent, Candy Spelling wants a magazine advice column at the very least.

Paris Hilton was continuously given unsolicited advice via the blood thirsty press about what to expect in jail, namely that it would be unpleasant and as the week drew to a close her 45 day sentence was reduced to 23 days for “good behaviour”, Britney Spears ignored her bed ridden, pneumonia stricken mother on Mother’s Day and Avril Lavigne started complaining about how Britney’s whole breakdown routine was just to get attention; edgy unpredictable outbursts, of course, being her territory. Avril Lavigne also suggested that she would like to be in a movie but it would have to be something like “Girl, Interrupted”.

Authentic darkness was also the theme when Marilyn Manson, following the release of his new single and music video which allegedly shows him having sex with his girlfriend, was quoted in the New York Post as saying that he was suicidal and didn’t leave the house for the year prior to making his new album (except, obviously, to make the album, divorce his wife and shack up with a 19 year old). Ugly Betty star, America Ferrera’s prominent smile was insured by the company who is paying her to promote their tooth centric product, 72 year old Sophia Loren said she would perform a public striptease if her favourite sports team won a few games and it was revealed that – astoundingly enough – Joan Collins and Linda Evans fought behind the scenes of their play in Los Angeles, Legends. The play featured the two of them making fun of the fact that they attained popularity for a while by playing bitch type characters who fought on TV.

CBS announced that it would be featuring a program as part of its Fall lineup called Kid Nation which involves 40 prodigy kids no older than 18 being made to live in a ghost town in New Mexico and to build it into a functioning society, Jay Z came out with a rapping parody of Amy Winehouse’s song, “Rehab” which more or less made fun of celebrities who had gone to rehab including a mention of Anna Nicole Smith and David Hasselhoff responded to the endlessly repeated footage of him drunk on a bathroom floor trying to eat a hamburger by saying he wished he’d used a knife and fork to eat it instead of his hands.

Fort Hays University awarded a Bachelor of Arts degree to the world’s oldest student, 95 year old Nola Ochs, a woman in Tajikistan failed at an attempt to smuggle 17 kilograms of heroin into Russia by putting the heroin into a fridge and then posting the fridge by DHL, a man in the UAE paid 6.8 million dollars for a license plate that featured only the number “5”, two German soccer stars were each awarded 50,000 Euros compensation after a company marketed sex toys with their names but did not ask permission to do so and two melons that came out of the now bankrupt Japanese city of Yubari were sold for $US12000.

Protesters in Hong Kong petitioned to have the Bible sold with a warning on the cover because of all the rape and violence featured in it but their request was denied, Maggie the lone African elephant living in the Alaska Zoo was so depressed she lay down and could not get up so the fire department was called to move her and three newborn tiger cubs were suckled by a farm dog in China when their mother lost interest in them.

Catholic pilgrims to the Fatima shrine in Portugal were treated to tourist brochures that contained historical information on one side and ads for sex services on the other, a German mother drove her seventeen year old son to a jewelry store so he could rob it and she was sentenced to three years in jail and women in San Francisco were paying $1800 to have silicon injected into their g-spot to enhance sexual pleasure.

Passengers on a train in India were asked to get out and push the train until it reached a source of electricity when the train stopped and no other solution could be found, a court in China was under investigation for corruption and the investigation revealed that the court had used taxpayers money to hire a Feng Shui master to rid the court of bad luck and a man from Minnesota included a portion of dog feces in the posted payment of a fine he felt he didn’t deserve causing an office worker to be sick.

Taiwanese politicians, famous for physically fighting in parliament, announced that they would stage a publicity stunt where politicians would actually go all out and wrestle.

"They just want to steal the spotlight going into the primaries," said People First Party MP Lee Hung-chun. "Parliament should be a sacred and noble place."