The Reluctant Whore

F-list L.A. fuckwad pseudo PR professional and celebrity hanger on Spencer Pratt has jumped on the save Paris Hilton bandwagon. Through his very own myspace profile of course. Must route all press to self. Could a desperate ploy for attention be any more cripplingly obvious that a spot light grabbing innocuous, sympathetic take on Paris Hilton’s jail sentence?

So far we’ve only seen idiot fans and half conscious contemporaries of Paris head up petitions to get her out of jail – after all she’s the popular girl at school so her tagalongs are also her mignons. The only time actual celebrities have responded or taken a position on the Hilton jail term is when someone like Mary Hart forcibly exhumes a response from them while at an unrelated event and they’ve got a camera in their face. Or some b-list wannabe from Dancing with the Stars slurs a resentful diatribe at a TMZ camera man as they stumble out of a club at 3am. Pratt seems to be one of the, if not THE first person to actually independently champion the cause and it’s so obviously about advancing his media clout. And that makes him an official god damned fuckwad. Pratt was quoted as saying (and we’ll break it up for dissection as we go):

"I've always thought (oh, come now…this is actually the first time you’ve technically “thought” isn’t it?) that the punishment should fit the crime (ah yes, and you came to that understanding from your years of relentless analysis of how judges parcel out punishment, haven’t you?) Paris has changed her image dramatically over the last couple years (how? She’s still a chronically entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, party girl whose entire appeal stems from her unapologetic indifference to responsibility). Now she is such a good role model and a smart businesswoman. (oh, wait, you’re absolutely right. NOW she is. And you’ve really presented a well considered case explaining why) So it's a shame that a miscommunication between her and her people is landing her in jail. (well, it’s a shame but it’s also entirely reasonable considering that her life is in fact, staff aside, HER life) She should get probation with community service, (yeah, you’re right…again, we can only assume your understanding of the legal system stems from the relentless analysis of it mentioned before so a suggested sentence from you is as good as legal advice) but no way should she be put in jail with real criminals. (And a real criminal would be what, Pratt? Someone who takes something they’re not really entitled to? Like the spotlight for example?)"

JESUS – get some talent and then DO something with it, Pratt. This statement of intent is remarkably similar in tone and approach to the way George W Bush seems to respond to the Alberto Gonzales hearing. After relentless bipartisan bludgeoning of Gonzales at the hearings, the president merely offers up a bland, unaffected (by obvious fact, apparently) statements of support that offer up no evidence of actual involvement in the situation itself.

But maybe getting some talent is far beyond what Pratt is capable of. After all, you just know someone’s bound to be a really down to earth, centered, calm and honest human when their resume is chock full of blurred, mindless and indifferent fluctuation between crap seemingly scripted reality shows that follow self obsessed LA fuckwits around as they obsess over themselves and stints as a PR type manager, publicist who merely brokers the media clout in return for free drinks and a seat in a VIP booth. Because that’s all it’s about at the end of it, free drinks and no waiting in line. It's an easy line but seriously; Pratt by name Pratt by nature. [source] [source]