Tuesday, May 01, 2007

If there’s one thing that Pete Wentz is, besides unnervingly alluring – in fact, unnervingly, smugly and gratingly alluring, it’s edgy. He even says so himself in the little film above. SO edgy is Pete Wentz, in fact, that during his cool little short film piece for People’s top 50 trillion hottest people in wherever issue, he went out there and talked about putting on eyeliner. This was, of course, after the Honda sponsored tour Fall Out Boy were a headlining act for… Oh, wait – it’s not eyeliner – it’s GUYliner. Let’s hazard a guess that the word GUYliner was a lifeline for basically everyone who has created a job out of knowing Pete Wentz – including probably future endorsements from eyeliner manufacturers. This is just a random harzarded guess, of course, but it seems like maybe Pete Wentz wasn’t really the one who came up with the word, it’s far more likely that it was the result of a brainstorming session involving the good people who represent young Wentz prior to shooting the footage.

Cue those wavy lines in the screen from Scooby Doo…

Pete Wentz lies around on the sun drenched window sill of a corporate board room all dolled up in his eyeliner, tight black jeans, heavily styled tousled hair and trademark hoodie. He’s bored and is texting a yearning, relentlessly plastic and needy Ashlee Simpson on the free sidekick he was given on the proviso that he be seen using it in public. He’s laughing hysterically at her lack of ability to spell relatively common words and every now and then checks out of the corner of his eye to see if the female VP of marketing is watching so he can emphatically put his hand down his pants, grab his cock and then smell his fingers. Never once looking away from the screen of his sidekick or acknowledging her unavoidable tendency to fantasise about him.

The Executives are all shrieking at each other, well, the women are. The men are barking – careful to maintain a non threatening level of femininity in their outward behaviour. All except one fat guy in a suit who is eating rotisserie chicken and not worrying about the grease on his fingers. It’s unclear what he does but he’s not stressed at all. After battling for an hour about various cultural details like whether or not Wentz should be seen in a speedo or in shorts on the beach later that month in Maui (rolled up jeans were decided upon) they finally come to the conclusion that he absolutely cannot use the word eyeliner as it would totally alienate the male fan base, which is – despite every brazen reference to bisexuality and glam rock they’ve calculatedly made – straight males and straight females.

“Look, can we just hurry up? I have to go stand a public urinal and think about how emotionally unavailable I am,” says Wentz

“Eyeliner sounds too drag, it needs to be less threatening. If we can’t enable men with eyeliner then the entire product will start to lose value…”

“Why not just GUYliner,” says an intern.

“I know – GUYliner,” says a VP.

And that’s more or less how it came up. And indeed, how everything came up. Possibly forever.

But, it doesn’t end there. His new bar, Angels and Kings in the East Village is the kind of place where and we’ll directly through the mouth of Wentz, "all our loser friends can hang out." Research has no doubt shown the word “loser” still resonates among the key demographic even years after the American Pie films. And the thing is, I will absolutely go to that new dive bar in the East Village opened by modern day omni gendered, omni sexual rocker muse Pete Wentz, looking for him just so I can stare longingly. There is no doubt in my mind about it. It’s chemically impossible not to. Research has shown…[source]

No comments: