Friday, May 04, 2007

David Hasselhoff is currently starring in a fantastically self indulgent piece of footage, which he himself commissioned (three MONTHS ago) from his daughter, Taylor that shows him drunk on the floor, trying to eat a hamburger while his daughter, simultaneously films him and earnestly begs him to stop drinking. The fact that it surfaces now is utterly nauseating because it's clearly not timely and obviously a ploy for attention.

Regardless though, in between the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE from behind the scenes of the antagonistically crap and rancidly exploitative ANNA NICOLE SMITH telemovie and the requisite story about a random, maddeningly fat abuse victim who, if the narrative continues the way they normally do, will get the gastric bypass surge and then either die or they'll drop a half a metric ton of flab and will end up being a walking success story that people can cry at – The Insider and Entertainment Tonight is, relentlessly and with the utmost seriousness, jumping on this David Hasselhoff scandal. Probably, and let's take a guess at this, because they own it in some way.

By the way, the footage above is exclusive to the Insider, just in case you didn't pick that up through the subtle hints on the screen.

In the statement released by Hasselhoff responding, probably more or less because of the way ET/The Insider packaged the three month old story, David Hasselhoff is aiming to get past potential career damage by jumping on the Alec Baldwin bandwagon and more or less asking forgiveness from the public. He actually cites “separation from my children due to work” as a major factor behind his behaviour:

"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue."

Baldwin successfully parlayed his outburst into a series of things, including publicity for his newest movie and website, by unloading his apology in front of a demographic of forgiving, emotional, empathetic women – most of whom are probably mothers – and by quarantining the reason behind his outburtst with the words “parental alienation”. It's not some massive, frighteningly undefined, bottomless pit of darkness - like say, the Son of Sam - inside Alec Baldwin - it's "parental alienation".

The Hoff’s apology included the section about being estranged from his children because, after all, it worked out alright for Alec Baldwin. Since Baldwin went on the View, the public have been freshly briefed on the concept of "parental alienation". Mothers are also especially empathetic of a hardened teenager who is forced to play the parent to the parent which The Hoff’s kid did in a surprisingly passionless manner. Wouldn’t you get freaked out if that’s how your father acted? Well, not if you’re hardened by life in LA as a c-list star’s daughter, no, probably not. Regardless, the footage seems noticably mechanical and passionless.

More importantly though, while the Hoff has gone to all this effort to take responsibility for his actions in front of the ticket buying, CD purchasing, television viewing public for his drunken behaviour so they won’t associate him with child abuse and an inability to eat properly, it seems like perhaps there are a few other things he should have addressed years ago. Namely – forcing us to relentlessly look at his barrel like torso in graciously asexual red shorts for all those years on the aggressively mind numbing, culturally poisonous picture frame for Pam Anderson’s rack, Baywatch and for injecting an unapologetically cheap salute to everything pastel, irony-free and tasteless into the otherwise historic moment the Berlin Wall came down by simply being there.

And, come to think of it, when you look at his cultural footprint, maybe he needs a drink. [source]

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