Sunday, May 06, 2007

Week #18 in Review

In a moment that may very well indicate the turning of a cultural tide in America, the nation’s unwitting symbol of self negating desire, Hilton Hotel heiress Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in prison for violating probation in an alcohol related reckless driving case.

Three months after it was shot, footage shot by his daughter that showed David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor of his bathroom struggling to eat a hamburger reached Entertainment Tonight and the Insider, the Beckhams bought a new house in Beverly Hills, Cindy Adams reported the arrival of two potentially fake German aristocrats to New York with less irony than perhaps expected of her and Danny DeVito launched a line of Limoncello, capitalizing on publicity he received after making an appearance on The View drunk from a night of drinking the liquor with George Clooney.

While attempting to sell her line of jewelry on QVC, Paula Abdul failed to make coherent sense sparking more rumours that she was drunk while on air, Rosie O’Donnell announced she will leave The View due to contract negotiation breakdown and Britney Spears attempted a comeback by performing a few 12-15 minute concerts which involved lip syncing three to four of her songs while chewing gum and not engaging with the audience.

Fall Out Boy’s bassist and muse, Pete Wentz opened a bar in New York’s east village called Angels and Kings describing it as a place where all his loser friends could hang out, it was revealed that years ago, while filming the voice of Maggie Simpson for en episode of The Simpsons, Elizabeth Taylor couldn’t quite say the word “Daddy” without sounding too sexual and, after more than twenty takes she told the producers to "fuck off" and walked out.

Ellen DeGeneres tore a ligament in her back and interviewed Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan from a hospital bed and former governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey announced he was entering the seminary.

650 million American dollars is the amount Administrative Law Judge Roy Pearson Jr. estimated his mental anguish over a laundromat losing his favourite pair of pants was worth according to his current lawsuit against the laundromat, one third of pets in the US were estimated to be obese placing the ratio of obese pets to obese humans at 1:1, and a Japanese Hotel announced the inclusion of a ten thousand dollar martini to its menu.

A New York grade school teacher was reassigned after instructing a student to hit his own head with a drum mallet, the national parks administration in Maryland announced it would cease to provide toilet paper to public restrooms in Maryland parks, hairdressers in Iran were instructed to avoid styling Iranian hair in ways that emulate a western aesthetic and, fresh from the unsettling Virginia Tech massacre, Cary Grove High School student Allen Lee was arrested and dropped from the Marines for what was considered disturbed writing.

Pet owners were gauging the level of stress their pets were experiencing through the use of an indicator dot placed on the paw, unhappy with its generally likeable national image Canada embarked on a historical search to find some influential Canadian villains, it was announced that a reality TV show involving a group of obese English teenagers forced to exist in the Australian outback was in production and rats "the size of dogs" apparently, had invaded a power station in Montenegro and were reportedly eating concrete away.

Peruvians were reinforcing their libidos and general life force by drinking what they called Frog Juice; a mixture of freshly killed and pureed frog, aloe vera and other ingredients.

In describing Frog Juice, a 53 year old Peruvian housewife was quoted as simply saying, “ It gives you strength”

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