Friday, May 11, 2007

Week #19 in Review

While the president was busy making it look like he was uncomfortable in white tie at a White House dinner for Queen Elizabeth II, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in the clink and she blamed her publicist, Elliot Mintz, for not explaining to her that she wasn’t allowed to drive while her license was suspended. As soon as her sentence was announced, friends of Paris started petitions to present to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on the grounds that because Paris is popular, she should be spared jail.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed doing cocaine in the bathroom of a club and the News of the World published the images along with a transcript of what she was talking about; namely how she was going to go to New York to hook up with Jude Law. Lohan’s mother, the self defined “White Oprah” more or less leveraged her daughter’s notoriety to get a gig reporting for Entertainment Tonight from the red carpet of the opening night of her daughter’s new film, Georgia Rule.

Shocking the hell out of the world again, Pete Doherty made headlines again for being arrested on suspicion of possessing class A drugs and Brad Pitt announced that for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, he would be employing the services of an ass double so he doesn’t have to reveal his own ass. P!nk, it was revealed, was asked to change the lyrics to one of her songs in order to be included in the American Idol charity show and refused so she performed a different song on a different date, Prince announced that he will be performing several concerts in London and once they are done he will take time out to read the Bible and, it’s more than likely, to figure out how much money he’s made from releasing a fragrance called 3121, after his 2006 album and heterosexual music producer David Gest announced that he would like to lick the space in between Amy Winehouse’s teeth because he loves her.

A total of 110 new bus drivers were hired in Milan and of those 110, a total of zero had bus driving licenses, a German man was found in his apartment having been dead for a total of 7 years before anyone noticed and Benedictine monks were gearing up to sell jams and preserves with cheeky titles like “Pear and Apple Angelic Jam” and “Zesty Lemon Unfaithful Jam”.

South Korea ceases all local government awards given to the government employees who manage to drink a lot, a German man killed his own father with a knife and then picked up a chainsaw and sawed his own head off and the Sudanese man who got drunk and had sex with a goat one night and was then forced to marry it breathed a sigh of relief as Rose, his goat wife, died.

Israeli drivers were revealed to be more callous than perhaps previously thought when a motorcyclist lay dying on the side of the road and cars repeatedly drove by ignoring him, Cocaine Energy drink was banned by the FDA after a year of being on the shelves because calling a product “Cocaine” is illegal unless it is cocaine in which case it’s illegal as well but for different reasons and a British man who was told he would soon die of pancreatic cancer went out and spent all his money and was then told he was more than likely not going to die and so he sued the hospital who mis-informed him.

The Japanese scrapped a health information campaign that extolled the virtues of breast feeding and enforcing parental control over what children watch on TV because it was considered “too intrusive”, police in Port Moresby found themselves in a gunfight with a human flesh eating tribal cult, hospitals in Milan removed crucifixes from their walls in an attempt to make non-Catholic patients feel more comfortable causing a backlash from right wing politicians and Spanish police stopped a tetraplegic man who was driving his wheelchair on the highway controlling the device with his chin and when they questioned him they found out he had gotten lost on his way to a brothel.

British manufacturers of the sex toy called the Love Egg had to alter the disclaimer on the device’s box when it was discovered that the remote control element of the device used the same radio frequency as the military in Cyprus. Instead of just a simple description of the device, the box now says:

“Deceptively powerful matt silver love egg. Not for use in Cyprus.”

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