The Reluctant Whore

Week #13 in Review

In a move that drew praise from political and media figures across the spectrum of political affiliations, Elizabeth Edwards announced that her cancer has returned and will probably result in her death sooner rather than later but that this will not deter her from pushing ahead in support of her husband, John Edwards’ bid for the 2008 presidency.

The Anna Nicole Smith saga continued to provide intellectual sanctuary from the steadily worsening state in Iraq as the cause of death for Anna Nicole was officially announced to be by overdose of prescription medication and despite the fact that this assessment was made by a professional charged with the duty of ascertaining cause of death, Fox News offered up its theory that caffeine overdose may have contributed as well. With the passing of the major climax point that was “her cause of death” Entertainment Tonight started to drum up interest in the inquest into what actually might have killed Daniel Smith, something that had already more or less been ascertained a few weeks after his death and at the same time they drew melodramatic and needless parallels regarding the chemicals involved in Anna Nicole’s death and the death of Marilyn Monroe. Just in case you weren’t thinking about it enough.

Britney Spears emerged from hiding ten pounds thinner with apparently radiant skin and a toothache which caused her to be taken to the hospital to see a dentist, however reports blew coverage of her tooth pain into a media alert saturated emergency but all the action and fascination with Britney’s teeth and her face and body didn’t deter her from putting the finishing touches on her divorce settlement with ex-husband Kevin Federline who is to share physical custody of their children and will get a million dollars – no doubt concluding the point of the marriage for him once and for all.

Ryan Seacrest, awash with fresh profit panic after the gay reference by Simon Cowell on American Idol and with a new reality series launching on cable, had a woman explain in the media the extent to which he is not gay, Eminem and his sometimes wife Kim Mathers stated publicly that they will no longer bicker in public or in front of their child Hailey, and the kiss between Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston on the season finale of Cox’s series, Dirt went to air causing soul crushing disappointment the nation over.

Further soul crushing disappointment continued on American Idol, at least for the pointless woman who is currently starving herself until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off, when Sanjaya survived another round more than likely due to a complex mixture of his hair and his non-threatening, ambiguously bisexual ability to flirt with all sexes and to hula dance and Donatella Versace announced that her daughter Allegra is anorexic and currently in hospital.

Karl Rove let what is left of his hair down at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Association dinner in Washington DC when he rapped with the cast of “Who’s Line is it Anyway” referring to himself as “M C Rove” and Prince Harry let his personality out walking outside after a few too many drinks at a London nightclub and being accosted by paparazzi whom he allegedly assaulted.

Wolfgang Puck announced that he’d only be serving meat that is humanely treated, Bruce Willis turned 52 and made out gratuitously and in public with Courtney Love and Jenna Jameson missed repeated meetings focused on turning her book “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” into a film because she was recovering from vaginoplasty and the healing hadn’t quite finished.

In excess of 8000 North Dakota residents banded together in the winter snow to record the largest ever collective performance of “angels in the snow”, the world’s tallest man married a woman nearly half his size, a British man was officially recognized as the first man to run around the entire world after five years of running and the largest cane toad was found in Darwin, Western Australia weighing in at close to double the size of your average toad.

Reinforcing some good old fashioned FEAR in his followers in order to tighten the reins, the Pope announced that while Limbo was no longer a part of the Catholic faith, Hell is both real and thriving and full throttle moral fear should be felt at the thought of being banished there, a survey of 31 million Americans revealed that approximately one third of Americans do not see any point to the Internet.

A Ukrainian energy company saw no problem in initiating a campaign to get local residents to pay their bills by putting up menacing posters of Joseph Stalin that promised people who didn’t pay their bills would be punished and Jews in Israel were reminded by a pro-Marijuana party that pot is, in fact, not kosher and should be avoided at Passover.

Students at a Bangladesh University had been, unbeknownst to them, regularly served either dog or fox meat by their cafeteria and when they discovered what was happening, the chef was fired while in Long Island, New York students were being fed donuts laced with laxatives. A Michigan sewage treatment plant inexplicably lost track of 15 million gallons of partially treated sewage which appeared to simply vanish in mid air while a village was showered with the same type of liquid – water and frothy fecal matter – after a reservoir collapsed and 5 people were killed.

US scientists created a sheep that contained 15% human organs, the Catholic Church demanded that a Hotel in Chelsea, New York take down a sculptural representation of Jesus Christ showing him completely naked and made out of chocolate and the Hotel caved in and removed the exhibit and Marjan Pejoski launched his new line of heels for men.

France remained essentially ambivalent about the faddish intolerance of ultra thin models within the fashion industry stating that it wouldn’t instigate a compulsory ban on thin models – only a voluntary one. Karl Lagerfeld, in defense of his own use of ultra thin models was quoted as saying, “They have skinny bones.”