The Reluctant Whore

Week # 11 in Review

A Florida teenager named Jennifer Mee hiccupped for three weeks without stopping back in January and when they stopped she was terribly relieved. The horror reinstalled itself though, when her hiccups started up randomly this week after a nosebleed. Four German teenagers were apprehended and were questioned for assaulting several sheep and for painting swastikas on some. Using the swastika at all in Germany is an offense punishable by jail time. Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson tore into Simon Cowell and American Idol claiming no need to express gratitude for the role the show played in her journey towards Oscar notoriety and a survey in Japan about sex indicated that almost 40% of Japanese citizens between the ages of 16 and 49 have not had sex in a month.

Tori Spelling gave birth to a son, the middle name of which is Aaron and it was rumoured that his arrival may stimulate a reconciliation between her and her mother after they had a falling out over Aaron Spelling’s will while Angelina Jolie traveled to Vietnam to pick up her own new little boy, Pax to add to the Pitt Jolie litter of international kids.

Brothels in Germany are, as of this week, offering senior citizens 50% discount on afternoon sex and James Brown was finally buried after almost three months of bickering over his will. Reverend Al Sharpton oversaw the service. An Indian woman married the corpse of her recently deceased fiancé hours before he was cremated and a German belly dancer woke up from what she thought was going to be standard liposuction on her thighs to find surgeons had accidentally removed her buttocks instead. She was awarded 17, 500 Euros compensations.

Britney Spears was said to be bulimic in addition to being a victim of post partum depression and a hotel in the UK designed a luxury package called the Britney Breakdown package to cash in on the publicity. Lindsay Lohan, fresh from rehab, was seen knocking the drinks back in several New York nightclubs this week and a drunk driver was pulled over by police in Germany but when questioned he stated that his driving was really the fault of the unicorn in the front seat.

Larry Birkhead fired his attorney and shopped in high profile LA stores for baby clothes and recorded phone messages left for the Bahamian Minister for Immigration – who recently denied having an affair with Anna Nicole Smith were published on the Internet. Prince Frederick von Anhalt, who several weeks ago claimed to be a potential father to Anna Nicole’s baby, announced he was suing Bill O’Reilly when O’Reilly stated on the air the von Anhalt was a fraud.

Bolivia made it official that their government is considering including a likeness of the Coca leaf in the Bolivian coat of arms and President Bush met with Mexican President Felipe Calderon, conversed entirely in Spanish and turned down tequila at the end of lunch because, as he said, “I don’t drink.”

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, a famous terror suspect, post-torture confessed to a playing an integral part in 28 of the biggest terrorist demonstrations of the past 20 years including the attacks on New York on Sept 11, the Bali bombings and several assassination attempts.

Rattle snake enthusiasts gathered in Sweetwater, Texas for the annual snake roundup which included capturing hundreds of rattle snakes and putting them in a pit and then killing them and a journalist was fined 100 Euros for filming three artists who had snuck into the garden of the Pope’s Bavarian residence to film them collecting water from his garden hose. Religious officials in the Caribbean stated that they had concerns that if Elton John came to perform there he would turn a lot of the locals gay and it was announced in India that Indian police would soon wear uniforms that consistently smelled of flowers and citrus. Comedian Richard Jeni was found dead in Chicago at 46 due to a self inflicted gunshot to the head.