Thursday, March 22, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Unsatisfied with the “brave” but unfortunately “ugly” folk that seem to dominate your average dating site who seem “desperate” (apart from himself of course because, how else would he know who goes on dating sites?), Jason Pellegrino put together so he wouldn’t have to suffer the unpleasantness of having to look at people who couldn’t potentially appear in an Aaron Spelling show or as the sex object on Survivor. If you’re accepted by the management to other members can rank how attractive you are while online. Except don’t worry if you rank lowly after you’re accepted. You’re already hot – it’s just that compared to other HOTTER people you’re not quite as hot. Kind of like the degrees of purity with the Aryan race. As long as you’re not rejected – that’s all that matters. Finally, a way to leave the relentless judgement of other people to someone else and so we can concentrate on just being perfect. Phew. [source]

Isn’t it great on days like St Patrick’s Day when the usually unbearably compliant suburban types who work in tiresome dead end jobs get up, dye their hair green and go out and drink – all the while thinking and knowing this is that most creative and interesting they’ll ever be so they wander around with shit eating grins on their faces in between belching up cheap gut fulls of partially digested Thai food and pizza by the slice into the gutter before going back to work the next day with two anecdotes about how triumphant their intoxification ritual was? Yeah, there’s nothing more culturally reassuring than that. Well, from the same school of frustrated middle management male activities that brought everyone St Patrick’s Day antics comes a man in Wales who just got a tattoo of a slice of Hawaiian pizza on the back of his scalp. It was admittedly for charity but my GOD how fucking stupid. [source]

A charming young man from small town Wisconsin is on probation after he was found having sex with a dead deer. This is the second time he’s focused in on achieving his recurrent goal of intercourse with a dead beast (non-human) which would suggest that jail time might not be the answer to someone who seems hell bent on cutting and pasting together the major components of what offends…well, the entire Western culture in general for sexual pleasure. Just to recap: he like SEX with DEAD ANIMALS. This sure beats the hell out of anything Tom Green came up with before he realized that fame is an inadequate substitute for a mother’s love. Makes you realize how lucky you actually are when you wake up the morning after nursing a hangover and a haggard 45 year old sales assistant from Long Island whose name you can’t remember. Hell, at least you’re not sexually attracted to dead animals [source]

What do you do when you have been living in a house for a while and a massive new apartment building goes up next door blocking your view? Or, rather – how do you adequately express disdain at having your view taken away? Well, you get out your rifle, you pack it full of bullets and you start firing at the offending apartment block from inside your house – just to make sure everyone knows it’s you. Fire it a good 11 times, in case the first 10 bullets which could easily kill someone, aren’t noticed. That’s what an angry Japanese man in Kyoto did and look at what happened. All of a sudden it makes the news and attention is paid. That’s all it takes. A weapon and some unmanaged anger and people will take you seriously. [source]

A South African man inherited a fleet of vintage cars which must have been a charming surprise – after he stopped greiving obviously, or better yet, maybe he didn’t really know the relative who died. Either way, he received a collection of vintage Chevrolets and Ford worth a bit of money. Sadly though, a pack of bloodthirtsty, screeching, beastlike rats probably, it is assumed with no evidence whatsoever, with a girth comparable to oh, let’s see – medium sized dogs – moved into those cars, began breeding relentlessly and then started lashing out like at passers by. The police stepped in and now the man has to pay a fee per car because the cars have been moved to a new spot so those rats can’t hurt anyone anymore. So, really, in the end, the man inherited a rat based nightmare rather than charming vintage cars, didn’t he? [source]

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