Monday, March 26, 2007

Celebrity Madness

For literally MONTHS, Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death (well, yes, that is debatable – she had sort of been heading towards death for a while what with the obvious death of her soul that probably happened years ago) has provided America with a desperately needed distraction from the Iraq War and the fact that most of them, in 2004, voted to allow a ludicrously corrupt team of fascists to inhabit the White House to oversee the well being of the country and to gradually erode all evidence of American civil rights. Finally, much to the chagrin of Entertainment Tonight who has been dining out on this story since they bought it in the beginning, the creepy and suspiciously media savvy autopsy conductor, Dr Perper, releases a statement explaining that Anna Nicole died due to an overdose of prescription medication. Apparently she wasn’t killed, as it were. Apparently, she could have lived if she had been taken to the hospital earlier. The most unnerving but totally expected thing comes out of the announcement was that Anna Nicole had abscesses on her buttocks. Abscesses being cuts that aren’t healing fast enough. Much like the crippling sadness that plagued Anna Nicole’s soul. Was this really any different to what we all thought anyway – deep down, once we stopped being obsessive and weird about how important this story is? The fact that a doctor said it does allow it to be “official” though so maybe America can move on and get angry about the White House now. [source]

Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer has returned but John Edwards states that he will continue with his bid for the Presidency. It remains to be seen whether this really will influence his appeal in sort of the same way that (vomit) Rush (oh my GOD, I feel ill for saying this) Limbaugh described (I just projectile vomited all over a small innocent child who is now crying) – albeit tactlessly – late last week when he said “that her husband's presidential campaign will continue or end based on whether or not he gets a, 'bump' in the polls because of her illness.". Americans might see her deteriorate in the coming 18 months and may feel Edwards is neglectful of his image-crucial marriage and sick wife (which is not to say it’s an insincere marriage, just that you can’t be unmarried and run for President in the US). Either that or they might feel he is incapable of fully focusing on the intense tasks at hand, namely, Iran and Iraq if his wife is ill. They may feel he needs time and that America has no time to give. [source]

Prince Harry seems to be the British Royal version of Lindsay Lohan this morning as he is all over the UK celeb trash media in photos that show him stumbling out of a club in central London, apparently drunk and allegedly in the process of assaulting a paparazzi photographer. He is scheduled to go to Iraq any minute now so maybe he’s just drinking the pain away. Either that or he’s what? 23 years old and English? Getting drunk on a Saturday night would be a fairly reasonable thing for a 23 year old guy who lived in London to do, in fact, it seems like it might be necessary. [source]

When you have an innocuous and predictably sex-based, money/greed envy centric reality show that’s just launched and you’re the co-host of one of the top rating television shows in the US – across the entire country as well as your own mainstream, commercial radio show – it doesn’t matter how obvious your homosexuality is, you still – apparently – need to deny it to ensure profits remain at full capacity. That’s why you get someone to vouch for your all encompassing heterosexuality in the media. It keeps you in control. Doesn’t it, Ryan Seacrest? [source]

In a report that almost certainly blows the actual facts completely out of proportion, Britney Spears is RUSHED to HOSPITAL to deal with EMERGENCY SURGERY to her teeth. Yes, it is probably no more than a freaking toothache and seeing as she’s insured and everything, she probably got the gas and laughed her way through it. WOW, thank GOD we know about THAT! [source]

Bruce Willis turns 52 and makes out with Courtney Love which kind of makes sense and kind of doesn’t. Is Courtney Love a sex object like Marilyn Monroe where instead of Marilyn singing Happy Birthday to you, Courtney Love will make out with you messily in a nightclub in LA? But, you’d never call either a whore because the story is about being granted access to that kind of iconic sexual icon. Well, it’s sort of whore-esque but not in a dirty, “oh look, that woman is dead on the inside” kind of way. More in a “Drew Barrymore gives Dave Letterman a breast baring lapdance on TV for his birthday” type thing. It’s classy. Either that or both are just nauseatingly desperate and weird and old and weird and please stop doing things. [source]

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