The Reluctant Whore

Week #12 in Review

469 papers reported the fact that the paternity tests to ascertain who Anna Nicole Smith’s child’s real father actually is are to go ahead this week. A similar number of papers reported the fact that Howard K Stern received a letter from his Bahamian landlord stating he needs to leave the house, he’s been living in with Dannilyn Smith, although she can stay and Larry Birkhead may move in and live rent free and that an anonymous German paid a half a million dollars for Anna Nicole’s diary from the mid nineties.

Britney Spears packed up her online purchases, checked out of rehab and began legal action against her ex-husband Jason Alexander who spoke about her drug dependency to the tabloids while she was out of reach, amid rumours that at this point she might be broke having spent 21 million dollars in the last few years. Her ex-husband, Kevin Federline cancelled the birthday party he was planning for himself to which he was attempting to sell the media rights for 25,000 dollars – because at the end of the day – no one really wanted to pay that amount for access to him. Federline did continue operating, without irony, the search engine he launched, using his own name in the title – a search engine where internet users are offered signed photos of Federline as prizes for random searches.

Desperate Housewives star Jesse Metcalfe checked himself into rehab for alcohol dependency, Carol Burnett is suing the cartoon Family Guy for parodying her on an episode without her approval, untalented vehicle for extraordinary hair, Sanjaya Malakar was inexplicably not voted off American Idol this week after murdering a song by the Kinks and a woman vowed to stop eating until he was voted off the show.

Angelina Jolie completed the last few steps of adopting a little boy from Vietnam who she re-named Pax Thien and brought back to the USA on a private jet and Paul Abdul went on Letterman and announced that behind the scenes of American Idol, Simon Cowell is known as “Small Ben” on account of his little penis. Naomi Campbell began her community service cleaning work in western Manhattan for throwing a cell phone at her assistant, the State of Tennessee went back on its plan to bestow official honors on Justin Timberlake for his contribution to music. Apparently, they were reluctant to celebrate the returning of sexy, Keanu Reeves was involved in a minor car accident and Snoop Dogg walked out of a building wearing a shower cap, holding a Louis Vuitton purse and more or less changed the trajectory of hip hop, at least in the short term.

Thousands of Catholics and other people who lack basic purpose flocked to a policeman’s house in the Andaman Islands to gawk at an image of Jesus Christ that seems to have been bleeding and on an unrelated traveling jaunt from Delhi to London a passenger died in the economy cabin and was moved to a first class seat in an effort to minimize any unpleasantness for the other passengers.

Four Albanian teachers were in major trouble for getting really drunk, going to the school in which they work and having sex within the view of young students, a descendant of Harry Houdini put in a request to exhume the body of the famous magician to ascertain whether he did in fact die of appendicitis or if he was somehow killed by a nemesis, the Chinese were burning effigies of Viagra upon the graves of their ancestors in the hopes of ensuring virility in the afterlife and a Japanese man in Kyoto whose balcony view was shut out by a new apartment block took out his frustration by firing 12 bullets at the offending building.

In South Africa, mean spirited and viscous rats moved into a fleet of vintage cars a man had inherited and began to not only breed but also lash out at anyone who came by causing the local government to tow the cars away to ensure the safety of the public, a man in Superior, Wisonsin was granted probation after he was arrested for killing a deer for the purpose of having sex with, a copy of one of the drafts of the Declaration of Independence that was found late last year in a thrift store and bought for $2.48 was sold this week for $477,650 and, in order, to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis, a man in Wales had an image of a slice of Hawaiian pizza tattooed to the back of his head.

Freaked out villagers in a little Russian village turned down new passports from their government stating that the passports contain bar codes which they had been told contained Satanic symbols, the castle of a former Romanian king was returned to him 60 years after his family were chased out of Romania by the Communist regime, McDonalds reignited its campaign to regain positive control over the definition of the term “McJob” and postal boxes in New York and other cities around the US were decorated to look like R2D2 from Star Wars to commemorate the pending launch of a Star Wars stamp, set to go public on March 28.

A 13 year old girl from Utah worked as hard as she could and finally actually won $2500 in prize money for having the stinkiest sneakers in the US, Beijing’s First Intermediate People’s Court ruled that the so-called Lunar Embassy to China is not, in fact, legally entitled to sell plots of land on the moon and it was announced that Hooters will open its first store in Israel.

"I strongly believe that the Hooters concept is something that Israelis are looking for," said Ofer Ahiraz, who bought the Hooters franchise for Israel.