The Reluctant Whore

Week #5 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated February 3, 2007

Shock, horror, disgust, somewhat illegal sexual arousal and all healing rehab stints were just some of the elements that balanced out all the glittery joy of another awards ceremony this week and we have naught to thank for these experiences but our very favourite celebrities.

The Isaiah Washington scandal continued as the faggot pointer was put into whatever type of rehab you go into to stop calling people “faggot” luckily at the time of an award ceremony so people would notice and therefore the time spent inside would be worth giving up the gift bag and publicity op. While T R Knight, this week grew totally fed up with all the tip toeing surrounding the fact that he was verbally abused and has been talking about it for months now, he more or less threatened to quit Grey’s Anatomy.

Speaking of Anatomy, we got to spy, lustfully and dangerously this week at the naked (at least from the waist up) torso of Daniel Radcliffe as the publicity shots for Equus were released and immediately people start punishing themselves for being sexually aroused by a 17 year old. And if you weren’t feeling adequately punished for finding Harry Potter’s Peter poignant then further news about the crumbling relationship between Lance Bass and Reichen Whoever should have causes sufficient bleeding of the heart to wash away all that guilt.

Kate Moss’ boyfriend, Pete Doherty confirmed that yes, he is a bona fide complete and utter fuckwit when he went to a hotel room and shot up cocaine on camera prompting her to dump him and for him to initiate standard celebrity penance by going into rehab. In further rehab news, Miss USA, Tara Conner came OUT of rehab this week clutching a pure and innocent teddy bear and claimed on International Television that while she was an addict and an alcoholic, she wasn’t high, drunk or stoned when she was crowned and she certainly wasn’t high, drunk or stoned during the weeks leading up to the competition. What kind of god damned addict do you call that? A FAILED one, that’s right.

So, while it’s clear that if you didn’t know anything about at least one of these stories you TOO are somewhat of a failure, you would be completely forgiven if you actually missed some of these following genius and absurd but nevertheless true events that occurred during this, the 5th week of 2007

Unbridled narcissism, it appears, isn’t just the domain of celebrities with news this week out of China that a 39 year old man, who claimed he was dissatisfied with reality, put on a dress, photographed himself , printed the image onto a life sized piece of foam and married the foam image. The media that reported the story was quick to point out that he isn’t gay, just self obsessed – because it was hard to tell there for a moment.

And while the Chinese are undoubtledly an odd people, Americans this week proved that they too have what it takes to be considered mindlessly self obsessed too when a 43 year old fireman checked into a hospital in India and handed the plastic surgeons a photo of Bruce Willis with the instructions to make him look like the movie star. He claimed he needed to keep up his masculine image as a firefighter and that Bruce Willis has an attractive jawline that would prop up his manliness in just the right way.

Speaking of doing odd things with foreign objects and your own face, a very focused 41 year old Chinese man this week demonstrated his skill at successfully biting through metal nails after practicing for a very long time while in England a 20 year study concluded that while it might be nice to HAVE straight teeth, they have no bearing whatsoever on whether or not you’re actually happy which is certainly a very convenient conclusion for a scientific study to come to about teeth in England.

But while the English were busy feeling happy about their rotting incisors, they were also busy gearing up to shell out 55 pounds to have Angus Bull semen smeared all over their heads and then blow dried out after a salon announced that the effects of the high protein jizz works marvels on dry brittle and lifeless hair and across the pond and back in the US, the oldest person in the world herself became dry brittle and lifeless at 114 just 5 days after she actually BECAME the oldest person alive – so much for holding out and not drinking.

In a strange and almost suspicious move, Islamic Pakistan announced this week that it would be producing and selling bottles of 20 year old single malt scotch whiskey. The odd part about this plan is that firstly, close to 90% of the country are Muslim and therefore can’t drink and furthermore, the scotch can’t be shipped out of the country. Seems like the perfect way to invest your time and money to me.

While further East in Russia, a man invested rather unwisely when he bet his actual wife in a poker game and LOST this week. She was so disgusted that she immediately divorced him and married the man who won her and finally, if you’re a wife betting type of Canadian immigrant or in fact a wife BEATING Canadian immigrant, one potential town that should be crossed off your list is the French speaking town of Herouxville who this week specifically decreed that it was unlawful for anyone to stone women in public, thrown acid on them or burn them.

If you’re that kind of husband you evidently have to do it in private, move somewhere else or better yet, go into rehab after a severe bout of acid slinging. Rehab always washes away the guilt...