Sunday, February 11, 2007

Week #6 In Review

This week, picking up the New York Post was as predictable as falling down stairs. The Olsen Twins sure seem to be doing a lot of cocaine at Bungalow 8, Britney Spears is medicating after the divorce by going out, getting drunk and spending money, Tara Reid got drunk and fell over. Everything was just as it should be. Completely run of the mill and standard. Even Ted Haggard coming out of ex-gay therapy straight, only to move house in order that he may thankfully become a therapist was as expected. Nothing new there, after all we knew he was a manipulative nutcase months ago. In fact, if you got all the way to Thursday you might have even thought that it was a slow news week.

Except then Anna Nicole Smith went and suddenly died – leaving her little daughter more or less an orphan and everyone in the universe in a state of disbelief. As if sudden death weren’t enough, the plot continues to thicken even NOW as though it were made out of some kind of cornstarch mixture as paternity claims start seeping out of the woodwork like, for instance, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, 59 year old Prince Frederick von Anhalt, of all people, who charged out of the blue to make a claim for the inheritance by saying HE is the father of her little girl, Dannilyn based on the fact that he had a ten year affair with her – Zsa Zsa is, after all close to 300 years old and probably isn’t as engaging as she once was.

But, these are the stories you had to be in a coma to miss this week so, here now are some of the les talked about stories of this, the 6th week of 2007.

After three people died because they were distracted listening to iPods while walking into oncoming traffic, New York State senator Carl Kruger proved just how much he really understands the most important issues facing New Yorkers this week when he took the bull by the horns and pushed for a bill which would fine people 100 dollars if they walk across the road listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone. Because police have nothing else better to do and Wall Street bankers are just hankering to stop focusing on work while they cross the road.

Malaysia, this week, attempted to distract the rest of the world from the fact that it is more or less a right wing horror fest of a nation in the same way it has been trying to do that for about a year now – by talking about how great toilets are. Colleges in Malaysia are gearing up to present a course that students can do that teach them about how to take care of a toilet. Thank god they’re not wasting money on teaching the population about the benefits of gender equality or thought independant of religion. Toilets really are the way of the future. At least perhaps, the path going directly down them.

Speaking of matter that originates in toilets, an English pub owner this week announced that he would not apologise for the fact that his pub is selling pies named "Barrymore Pie – faggots swimming in gravy” – a pie that commemorates the tragic death of a man who died in English actor, Michael Barrymore’s pool several years ago with severe damage done to his anus. Hilarious.

No apologies were delivered in Atlantic City this week either when the commonly named Nyree Thompson gave birth on the floor of a casino at 9:30am . The kid just popped out at around 9:30am which is when she was actually there. While 9 months pregnant with her priorities clearly in order.

A Dutch gym announced that it would be starting up Sunday morning nudist workout sessions for all those gym focused nudists who were otherwise forced to stay home. Apparently in Holland, there are enough oppressed nudists to warrant an entire official morning.

San Francisco was not as excited about integrating nudity into a specific area of the city when the good people at bought the building the National Guard used to train in so they could make porn in the basement and use the rest of the historic building for offices. Apparently townsfolk were upset about the appropriateness and when the Mayor chimed in about whether it an S and M club was cause for concern near a highschool – everyone remembered that he’s currently embroiled in a sex scandal himself cause he fucked his campaign manager’s wife.

And finally – for anyone wanting to burn away hours and hours of their life by staring blankly at a computer screen,, a live webcam which merely showly a block of cheddar cheese maturing with a timer next to it 24 hours a day has gone live and people just love it. And sure, yeah, maybe it’s just cheese, but you know – it takes the focus off the everyday horror.

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