Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Celebrity Madness

The soul stabbing pain of pending cultural irrelevance and the cold horror of not being on camera prompts Anna Nicole to, yet again, ask ET if she can cry on camera. ET, of course, complies immediately. Anna's ex-lover sends her a package of baby clothes in an attempt to grab some fame and maybe, hopefully, some cash by claiming to be the kid's father. Not content with just one reference to fraud in her life, Anna Nicole and Trim Spa are involved in a lawsuit that claims Trim Spa doesn't actually work. Way to stay on TV Anna!

Mark Foley flies into Florida with boyfriend and LV luggage in toe but his head is down in shame. Endless, endless shame. It's really important for the Post to have pointed out the prevalence of LV luggage because that makes him look like a prissy girly man. Which is what gay people are. Gay people are fashion conscious prissy men so it's good that the Post managed to point that out. How else would everyone know otherwise?

In shocking news, Tara Reid goes - get this! - to a red carpet function, right? Ok, sure. Tara Reid goes to a red carpet function. But it gets better. She drinks some alcohol. She drinks alcohol at a red carpet function and then, ok, brace yourself, she keeps drinking. She keeps drinking at a red carpet function (are you following?!) and then gets SO drunk she falls down. She falls down (who would have EVER thought!?) in front of the Paparazzi (seriously!). She falls down drunk in front of OTHER PEOPLE and it's captured on camera. One question remains: What exactly is so god damned hard about turning up and not falling over. In fact, what exactly, is so hard about BEING Tara Reid. Sure, she's more or less unmarketable except as the centerpiece to a bukkake party during Spring Break but...oh, Jesus, just have another drink Tara - falling over is what you do best.

Fox decides to do a remake of The Vicar of Dibley (what exactly was wrong with the genius original?) and Kirstie Ally is slated to play the Dawn French part. We'll see.

In unexpected news, Ann Hathaway may actually have a personality after all - albeit a predictably depressed one.

It turns out that Ted Haggard wasn't gay when he fucked that hooker in a hotel room surrounded by the light of one candle in a crystal meth induced haze, he was just a sex addict acting out. What a relief! He was just a drug abusing sex addict. PHEW! Thank GOD he isn't gay because that would be TOO hectic and disturbing. So, now that therapy's over and heterosexuality is confirmed - what's next? Well, he's going to become a therapist of course. What else would he do?

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