The Reluctant Whore

Week #8 In Review

It was all beaver and boyish haircuts by the end of the week because, like a beacon in the darkness of news media obsessed with covering 12 fat rats who had taken over a Taco Bell in the West Village - for the first time in two hundred years, a beaver swam up the Bronx River and, probably through no coincidence at all, last thing Friday night CNN’s tough love finance expert Suze Orman came out as a lesbian at 55. What kills Orman, apparently, is the fact that half of her fortune will go to the state in the real estate tax once she’s dead.

And speaking of issues that hit the lesbians hard, babies were in the news this week. Well, specifically one baby, the world’s smallest living premature baby as it happens, went home after 4 months of observation still no larger than a ball point pen but very much alive and while little Amillia Sonja Taylor was still alive despite her clearly abnormal body shape and feet that resembled organically colored gummi candy, her duck compadre in the “we’re odd but you love us anyway” camp – born this week with 4 legs died a mere 48 hours after hatching.

The baby daddy drama continued like a chaotic hurricane about an essentially oblivious Dannilyn, daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith and this week proved that no matter how fucking insane the situation gets, it can always get slightly more fucking insane. While the insanity appeared to be at the hilt when Prince Frederick von Anhalt claimed to be the father of the little girl, it was pushed to new levels when the lawyer of Virgie Arthur, collapsed on court due to diabetic complications and it was revealed, just incidentally, that he owns the Bat Mobile and a couple of vehicles in which various Popes have traveled. Anna Nicole’s body was embalmed at the order of the judge in case the decision about what to do with her body was to take substantially longer. Larry Birkhead took the stand and not only revealed that, for all intents and purposes, he looks like a cross between Christopher Walken and an early Nick Carter, but that he also thinks Howard K Stern is a gold digging drug addict enabler who more or less pimped Anna Nicole out. The fact that Anna Nicole’s biggest asset was her body became painfully clear when a Bahamian immigration official resigned amid allegations that he was having an affair with Anna in return for an expedited visa. After a little melodramatic deliberation, in a moment of totally unnecessary showboating, the judge presiding over the case wept as he read out the ruling that said Anna Nicole’s body should be buried in the Bahamas next to her son’s. Hugh Hefner chimed in that he agreed with the judge’s ruling.

And while it is easy, when you strip away all the madness, to see why Anna Nicole was interested in living in the Bahamas – its a sunny, charming place and if you’re not well endowed intellectually – the commercialism will wash over you and not really matter, it may not be easy to come up with many reasons why you’d move to Poland and the Polish are more than likely pretty aware of that. Consequently, a Polish travel firm this week announced tours where visitors can follow in the footsteps of CIA agents and terror suspects by wandering through an alleged US detention center – which authorities deny even exists – which must roughly translate to “we’re still torturing people here, get out”.

And speaking of trying to spruce up the appearance of things that aren’t so charming when you get down to it, lame ass homophobic basketball player, Tim Hardaway, produced another inane apology for his bigoted rant about a fellow player who came out as gay by saying that when he said he didn’t like gay people he didn’t mean he didn’t like gay people. Karma started in on another aspect of his life probably because he sucks ass so badly, and he’s being sued for almost a million dollars for not keeping up with bill payments.

If Tim Hardaway is desperately and moronically afraid of gay people because he is in fact, afraid of his own latent homosexual desires, the perhaps he should move to Dar es Salaam where he will find groups of petrified men that at least have the balls to say they are in fact desperately afraid of being raped by men rather than realizing it through mindless naïve self revealing hate. Groups of men in Dar es Salaam are currently living in fear of a demon called Popo Bawa – a bat like creature that allegedly arrives in the middle of the night and sodomises them for hours and then leaves. Interestingly, it seems to only target men and while no actual sightings have been reported, groups of men this week were found huddled together at night, in groups, covering themselves in pig fat to scare away the beast and any potential to have any kind of gay sexual experience.

And speaking of completely missing the rational thought mark, Britney Spears this week confirmed that something is very wrong when she shaved her head. The hair that fell off her was found for sale on ebay for over a million dollars. With a wig and sunglasses she looked like a weird cross between Margot Kidder and J T Leroy. After flipping out she went into rehab, exited rehab for the second time after only a day, went to her ex’s houses and lashed out at a car and was promptly taken back to rehab by her mother. The Fed Ex pushed for an expedited child custody hearing because, next to her, his gold digging talentless wannabe wigger ass resembles a find upstanding adult.

And while in the world of billionaire divas under the age of 26, Lindsay Lohan, the very same Lindsay Lohan who, when Robert Altman died, referred to him in public as a kind of father figure for her, blew off Altman’s funeral to party with Johnny Knoxville. This was after her, what? Second stab at rehab?

But celebrities under the age of 26 didn’t have the monopoly on inane, addict-centric god complex behaviour, it became apparent. Sylvester Stallone, this week was under investigation in Australia when he pulled up in a private plane and immigration officials found illegal substances of some kind in his luggage. Because he’s a celebrity, he was allowed to leave the airport.

It was announced this week that, after some lack of clarity surrounding whether Prince Harry, the better adjusted Tori Spelling of the young royals, will serve in Iraq that he will in fact be leading a troop of twelve for six months. This news comes hot on the heels of the UK government announcing that it will be withdrawing troops from Iraq.

And finally, like the Anna Nicole Smith/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears of small Eastern European nations, Kazakhstan just can’t let go of the media solid angle that it isn’t – shock horror – JUST like the Borat film says it is. MONTHS after Sacha Baron Cohen’s smash hit film has left cinemas, the US envoy from Kazakhstan was found hammering that sad old attention seeking angle at an address he gave to some Yale students. Could it be that the US envoy and indeed Kazakhstan is suffering withdrawal symptoms from validating media attention? If it is, it had better get that ego in check. After all, look what happens to celebrity egos when people stop paying attention?