Friday, February 16, 2007

Week # 7 In Review

Leave it to an Englishman to not only fail at eating properly but to construct a crippling fear based diet entirely around cheese and maybe the odd packet of chips. It was revealed this week that Dave Nunley from Wyton has managed to be the embodiment of this exact English, cuisine based failure and he’s stuck to it for his entire life. It’s a wonder he’s not dead. It’s a wonder, too, that models who wear a size zero are not dead at this point and while no one sincerely cares whether they live or die – and indeed perhaps some of them are dead – at least on the inside – as they walk down the runway, it’s chic to act like you do care at the moment – particularly if you’re a fashionista in Spain. As a result, in a genius move that will no doubt cost them nothing and earn them publicity like the news story that reported it and this blog post, the UK restaurant Bumpkin is offering free meals to models who can prove they’re a size zero.
In other news relating to people who have a publicity angle and therefore they get free food, Stephen Colbert was just awarded his own flavour of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream. The vanilla/chocolate based dessert is suspiciously uninspiring meaning that either he’s sold out to maximize sales or, when it comes to ice cream, he really is slightly boring.

From the cold cold depths of the celebrity dessert storing freezer to the warmth of the Bahamas, this week, Anna Nicole’s old nanny made the claim in public this week that she had been ordered to underfeed little Dannilyn to ensure the child would grow up sexy. Sexy in this case meaning malnourished and emaciated and therefore vulnerable and inevitably attractive to emotionally stunted men with money – because – what else is there? And it wasn’t as though Anna Nicole wasn’t leading by example. TMZ this week published pictures of the inside of her fridge that revealed the main components of her diet were methodone and slim fast. It seemed like a diet that suited her, one that kept the fat away and the pain at bay. The pain was always at the back door for Anna Nicole though, because in further information that seeped out, it appeared that Anna had already chosen the dress she wished to be buried in. As though she somehow had already decided to die.

In a move completely unfocused on both death and cutting out calories, in Scotland, a man arranged to pay £2150 for a pizza covered in expensive alcohol soaked seafood and gold leaf. The money went to charity though so we can all thankfully put the knives down. Unlike that idiot in Hong Kong who spent 20 million on a teacup.

While paying that much for a pizza that was probably fairly luxurious and romantic, especially when you consider that the money goes to charity, you’d be forgiven if you thought that arbitrary sexual panic had taken a back seat of late. Fear not though because officials in Bangkok have been funneling money into a specific arm of the police force that particularly looks out for and then punishes teenagers caught kissing in public. Meanwhile in Austria, a teacher is probably going to get the sack for teaching a bunch of nine-year-olds about swear words. Any thinking person could have predicted that shrill, purpose lacking parents would be immediately up in arms about how often their kid hears the word “tart” in class but apparently not the idealistic teacher which will ultimately prove to be his Achilles heal. Sad. Thank goodness someone is focusing on the important issues though.
Speaking of unusually fascinating and unfortunate focus on things that are rather standardly offensive, Britney Spears’ ex-rebound boyfriend Isaac Cohen made the gracious move of selling the story of his experience with Britney to the News of the World and it reported this week in detail about how she’s a sad, lonely, broken sex-addict. Shocking and awful news: yes. What was unexpected however, was the fact that a New York rabbi decided to offer up his advice to Britney – telling her in the news to think of the children.

Someone who thankfully doesn’t have children and maybe might not even be able to reproduce considering the horrifying state of her abdomen much less the horrifying state of her liver and mind is, Tara Reid this week went out and got drunk in public and then disowned a friend who made a couple of public statements about being a drunk and bad in bed. As though we didn’t already have an inkling. Oh, shit Tara – the truth about your alcohol consumption is out. Too late.
The truth about Paula Abdul’s alcohol consumption was again speculated about this week as people wondered whether the cup she drinks from on the set of American Idol is full of booze. Surprisingly, Abdul responded by saying it isn’t. Well. Case closed there.

The case wasn’t closed in Russia about who started the fire alarm in a youth hostel this week, however, until the fire fighters arrived at the scene of the alarm to discover that it had been set off by a collection of young Russian women who were obviously over zealous in their use of spray on deodorant. Either they were over zealous or they were simply in a building ill-equipped to handle their particular brand of industrial strength body stench.
It wasn’t just stinky Russian girls who were ill-equipped at covering up basic realities, it was also the publicist for former *nsyncer, J C Chavez who this week asked a guy out through his publicist and then, when it was reported, vehemently denied it.

Using alternate means of conveying a message is at the core of the genius idea this week picked up by the state of New Mexico which involves having urinal cakes that speak, in a sultry tone, to men when they’re pissing at a bar – saying that they should consider going home via taxi or with a sober friend rather than drink driving. Because, if there’s one thing a blind drunk man who is ready to take his life into his own hands by driving a vehicle drunk will take seriously it’s a talking female urinal cake.
While men were busy getting ready to ignore talking urinal cakes, everyone else was sighing at the fact that they were unable to ignore Michael Lucas’ scandalous (yawn) claim that he is being sued by the owners of the Fellini film, La Dolce Vita after he produced a porn version by the same name. In true Michael Lucas/Ann Coulter style, he denied there was any link at all despite the similarity in names and the fact that his porn version takes more or less all cinematic cues from the original.
Prominent gay men who lie were out in force this week it seems as well because Ted Haggard came out of therapy claiming to be entirely straight after merely three weeks. A pool was set up so people could bet on when he’d be sprung with another crystal smoking, barebacking hooker – all proceeds of which are to be donated to gay charities – thus making is ok for everyone to take delight in his public demise with virtually no guilt whatsoever.

J Lo and Marc Anthony made it clear that, like Ted Haggard, they too had fallen from grace when it was discovered that they have been dabbling in Scientology and it was announced that the story of Milli Vanilli will be told in the medium of cinematic film which means that finally, they can be remembered for the dramatic reconstruction of their fraudulent lives rather than simply their fraudulent lives.
And finally, on the subject of fraudulent lives, Michael Jackson was in Las Vegas this week hoping to get tickets to a basketball game and was denied courtside seats, the publicist saying that the seats had all been distributed – which is code for “we don’t like your type here”. It’s interesting that Jackson cared about sport enough to ask.

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