Friday, June 06, 2008

Vin Diesel is now apparently a father and so with reports of that come all the reports that he’s gay again. Half the time, gay rumours are a product of mindless gay people insisting that people are gay because it’s their fantasy. Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t gay, I’m pretty certain about that, but why not insist anyway because he’s classically attractive and talented?

The other half are the kind where it’s known among industry and communities of people who interact with the star but in the bulk of America it’s not and so the star keeps it under wraps to keep their demographic happy – like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give a shit about Vin Diesel because he’s just like Matthew Mcconaughey in the sense that his entire career, if that’s what you’d call it, is built on the fact that he has a rockin’ bod and a deep, gravelly voice. He isn’t exactly burdened by a bounty of critically acclaimed talent. The reason this is interesting though is because I’ve actually seen him out at some of the gayest events in New York, like Beige on Tuesdays at B Bar in the East Village. Gayest thing ever. I’m not saying he is definitely gay but I am saying that if everyone is pointing it out and I’ve seen him in gay bars then it seems a little like it could be true.

I guess it’s the same as someone like Jonathan Rhys Myers where he’s not necessarily GAY but he’s certainly not straight only he most certainly cannot come out as anything while he’s playing Henry VIII, the alpha male of Europe. Because no man can be gay and assertively masculine. The two cannot be linked don’t you know.

The kind of women who like Vin Diesel are the kind of women who have bachelorette parties at tranny bars and who get drunk and say things like “this song is about ME!” and you over hear them and you just want them to shut the hell up and you have to really really stop yourself from kicking the chair out from under them as they sit there and complain that you’re gay and that it’s such a waste but maybe it’ll end up being fun because now we can talk about fashion and boys together and you really just want to go home but you’re waiting for someone and they’re giving you free drinks at the bar because you know the drag queen behind the bar so you figure you’ll just stay but there’s a whole school of shrill idiot tuna swimming around you and you just feel like you’re going to drown. DROWN.

Those women need to feel they can get with their action hero movie star obsession. If he has a kid then he’s not just straight, he’s the fathering type which their kid’s father probably isn’t.
So, it’s funny to me that Vin Diesel is hammering out the straight thing but then, not really. What else would he do? Someone is eating barbecued beast and it’s making me remember being forced to eat beans as a kid and that was traumatic because I hate beans and I hate that sweet, spicy sauce they’re cooked in. Vin Diesel has a kid now and he could quite possibly be gay. Stop all the horror. [source]


Faith said...

Gee, my bachelorette party was at a tranny bar. Guess it's time to wrap my stereotyped slab of tuna in saran wrap and hit the bricks.

Matt said...

Oh Honey, you'll never be tuna. You do quality work. I try to make the distinction clear as often as I can but sometime fail.

Sincerest apologies.