Monday, June 16, 2008

Last week, viewers may remember that our favourite crack head pop star Amy Winehouse was offered 2 million dollars to simply get on a plane to Russia, get off the plane, sing a couple of numbers and then …actually that was it. Would she make it on the plane? Would she continue to thwart her own success even more than she already has by being incoherent due to drug use? Is it unlikely that she would have bathed before she got on the plane? I, for one, have been sitting in mind altering anxiety all weekend waiting for all to be revealed. Who could HONESTLY predict how this was going to turn out? Certainly not ME!

So, here we are and the Daily News HAS reported on what happened (thank goodness!) . It turns out that the answer to all my questions ended up being a resounding and reassuring YES! She DID make it on the plane, she did turn up completely incoherent, she did forget to bathe (probably).

She turned up and was so out of it that her handlers, who one can only reasonably assume are super human, part robot, ex-military personnel that are gluttons for punishment were forced to try and pull Winehouse’s head together by giving her sips of Coke. Ah…yes. Well, coke might have been the medicine but I’m fairly certain she wasn’t doing sips of it. Badda BING! Gosh, they don’t write lines like that anymore.

Anyway, so the other visceral treat Amy Winehouse gave the audience was a glimpse up her short dress to reveal that she wasn’t wearing underwear. What a moving experience that must have been for the 25 year old gold digging Russian whose birthday it was.

Truthfully though, this kind of unhinged spectacle is the product Winehouse is selling. She’s selling ‘unhinged skank” as much as she’s selling her albums. No doubt the Russians were thrilled. They got the show they were after.

Personally, I’d like to see a lovely elderly matron from the upper east side hire Winehouse to sing something from La Traviata but to honestly expect it to be a charming, refined, tea time experience. That would be really hilarious to me because that woman and all her friends would faint at once after crying out in their deep voiced, matronly manner at the shock.

Sort of like stupid old Mrs Kravitz from Bewitched. Why did Mrs Kravitz keep fainting at the same old thing? I just wanted to grab her by the collar and scream, "Listen, your neighbour is a pre-feminist witch. Get over it. Go and make friends with her, then dump your dumb ass husbands and go on a lesbian road trip together like Thelma and Louise." I mean, that makes sense, right? If anyone gave them any shit they could just do the nose thing and everything would work out. Stupid Mrs Kravitz. She spent her entire life fainting and lying down. What a waste of time. So, just to recap, Winehouse made it to Russia but was still a crack head. [source]

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