Sunday, January 14, 2007

Mainstream gossip was mind numbingly obvious this week as garden variety bitch Mr. Blackwell announced the shocking, paradigm shifting news that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were among the worst dressed of 2006. Additionally, a team of experts ascertained that Angelina Jolie’s veiny arms are probably the result of not eating and exercising too much (gee, do you think? Look, I’ll be the first one to say I’m not qualified to make such a critical assessment so I’m just going to make sure everyone realizes that a team of experts came up with that theory), Jennifer Aniston, it was announced seems to have had breast implants and Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake split up.

If you didn’t already know these things, you could have guessed anyway so why dwell on them? After a hard martini and a bump of crystal it could be far more fun to think about the things that happened slightly under the radar during this, the 2nd week of 2007 and so we shall..

Sexualised Shit obsessed, ass chewing Germans were more than likely thrilled to pieces this week when a survey revealed that dirty filthy pig play is easier to find in Germany than it has been in twenty years because there are now officially several thousand more pigs than there are people in the state of lower Saxony.

Speaking of pig based celebration, if there are any Jews living in China they were no doubt horrified and vomiting in unbridled terror– at least on the outside as the Chinese Government announced this week the release of a sweet and sour pork flavoured stamp to celebrate this year being the year of the pig. Stamps will soon be available in China that work like a scratch and sniff sticker on the front and the glue on the back will actually taste of pig.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, a group of sycophant marketing executives have apparently graciously taken it upon themselves to blur the line between drinking a cup of coffee in the morning and mainlining amphetamines to crush the crippling agony of having to wake up as they launched a product this week called Meth Coffee. While the drink contains no actual crystal, it does contain a couple of extra South American ingredients that make the drink more powerful than a locomotive and it should ensure a more or less beaten path from rebellious 13 year old to reliant toothless 18 year old hustler better than any street corner pusher ever could.

The Irish, it was revealed this week, need no subtle reference to hard core stimulants to make sure uppers are a part of their daily routine. Irish researchers this week found traces of cocaine on not one, not two, not FIVE but every single bank note included in their random analysis of 45 bills.

Self indulgent Goths and mad Asian billionaires in Eastern Europe with a spare 78 million dollars who didn’t know what to do with themselves may have felt a pang of inspiration as they walked by the local real estate agent because the castle within which Count Dracula lived in went on the market this week. While the local Romanian government thinks that price tag is too high, it’s important to remember that Vlad the Impaler punished wrongdoers or the lazy by impaling them on stakes and once impaled all the elderly people in a community to avenge the killings of his father and brother. Maybe the castle isn’t in mint condition but a history like that can’t really be replicated anywhere else so you’re really paying for the status and charm more than anything else.
Anyone interested in making a massive purchase but wanting to avoid being associated with decades of terror and pain were in luck this week too because the micro nation of Sea Land in England went on sale this week for about a hundred million bucks. For that you’d get your own country, currency, passport and stamps.
The lack of potential castle buyers in Romania and nation purchasers in England this week may be explained by the fact that most of the thinking men in Europe were actually flocking to Bulgaria this week to buy 'breast-boosting beer' after EU accession led to customs duties on the drink being abolished. The millet-ale called Boza which is made from fermented wheat flour and yeast is being snapped up by bar owners, shopkeepers and shoppers from across Europe because it promises to enhance the breast size of women who drink it.
Don’t worry if you’ve got a shit load of money and no brain and you don’t live in Europe though because the US thankfully is still a world leader in providing people with ludicrous products to needlessly purchase buy. A US plumbing company announced this week that it has finally filled in the gaping hole in the market and designed a toilet unit equipped with a TV and DVD player, an Xbox 360 and an iPod, a laptop computer, a fridge and a beer tap and an emergency button in case there are any plumbing problems.

In news unrelated to buying things you don’t really need, the ghost of Marlena Deitrich can take the self imposed stitches out of her scalp, let her face down and breathe a sigh of relief this week because, Workman draining a lake under a Blackpool roller-coaster this week found an earring lost by Marlene Dietrich 73 years ago. The pearl earring fell off as she took a ride on the Big Dipper at the resort's Pleasure Beach in 1934.and finally a calf was born this week in Virginia with three sets of teeth, two lower jaws and two tongues, but only one mouth; two noses with separate airways, and a single eye socket, which has two eyes in it and you know, kudos to the calf because if you’re going to be a two faced cow, it’s refreshing to let people know ahead of time.

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