Thursday, January 25, 2007

Celebrity Madness

IF you are one of those people - and you'd be immediately forgiven if you are - who sincerely believe that Scientology couldn't get any more legitimate as a religion than it already is then get ready to need a cup of tea and good lie down to cope with sincere shock. That's right, Scientology has managed to rack up even more "rational approach to life" points now that they've ordained Tom Cruise as their Christ figure. They clearly lacked the vital Christ figure so it's nice that they managed to fill that gap but it's inspired that they chose a control freak, closet case, narcissist corporate shell like product of a human to represent their primary virtues. Because doesn't he represent all of our virtues? At the end of the day? Bravo.

DEAD or Alive frontman Pete Burns has undergone more plastic surgery, this time on his lips, and also this time with terrifying results. Apparently the surgeon simply hacked open Burns' lips, administered the wrong treatment, the lips themselves rebelled and are now stitched up horrifying swollen wounds on the front of his face. He's suing.

TRINITY star and also, star of the critically acclaimed "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" Ryan Reynolds fell over in the bathroom and tore open his face so, it is confirmed this week that he got surgery to fix up one of his primary assets.

ISAIAH Washington continues his public backpedalling after calling his castmate a faggot and, after meeting with community figures for a sit down and a stern talk, he's checking into rehab - generally the final stage in celebrity penance. Give him a couple of weeks and he can come out (ha!) and get back to normal. Maybe not though. Knee jerk reactions to alcoholism and drug use from mid-westerners are easily fixed through a good solid getaway to Hollywood rehab but gay people are entirely more complex and generally more intelligent than stupid, fat, middle class, middle Americans so maybe they won't buy it. Only time will tell.

Paris Hilton is naked on film, possibly being penetrated. Again.

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