Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Nothing is going according to plan for J Lo whose entire career is apparently dissolving before her very eyes. Page Six reports that Jenny from the Block’s latest movie, “Bordertown” is about to go straight to video which follows on from the inexplicable failure of her movie “El Cantante” which featured her relentlessly acclaimed husband/accessory corpse Marc Anthony which coincided with the bombing of her last album.

What could possibly be the matter?
J Lo is essentially a failed, aspiring Latin Mariah Carey. They’re actually quite similar in many ways – they’ve both made chronically awful films, had success with music, released cat piss fragrances and have allowed their maddening egos to completely swallow them whole. The thing is, Mariah Carey disappeared for a while and granted she ate so much she blew up to the size of a pachyderm, she wasn't out there relentlessly forcing her sub-standard ballads on us while she wasn't ready to actually believe her own hype. No, she kept it away until the time was right again...sort of.
Yesterday it was reported that J Lo insists on a makeup artist who costs 8000 dollars a day. What the hell kind of makeup are they using for 8000 dollars a day? It's probably some of that golden caviar placenta crap that sucks the old out of your head. Sure, it doesn't exist but it's a useful concept. Maybe someone in the future will find this on a beach and read it and then start to work on it. It could be my legacy.
Oh Jesus...
Anyway, these mega divas are always high maintenance slabs of heavily marinated tuna. Raw, heavily, deeply marinated tuna. Huge slabs of the stuff. Some of them are fatty tuna, some are yellowtail. It doesn’t matter in the end because tuna is tuna. The trajectory is actually quite predictable though. They come from nothing, become stars with the vibrato ballads or big band showstoppers, the gays love them, they become massive corporate products and then their egos explode and they have to either play Vegas and mellow out in cultural wasteland obscurity like Celine Dion does while raking in maddening amounts of money or they become ridiculous relentless travesties propped up entirely by the public’s memory of their once focused talent. Sort of like, dare I say it, Liza.

J Lo needs to move back to the Bronx – the part she doesn’t own. Then she needs to clean house. Literally. Start cleaning some houses and get back to the raw material. And just off the husband. He’s already half dead anyway. I sort of feel like I’m going to hell for that Liza comment. [source]

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